Why I Have No Desire To See Titanic And Why The Iceberg Is Its True Star

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Image result for titanic iceberg

James Cameron’s Titanic is inarguably one of Hollywood’s greatest accomplishments.

But, I’ve never seen it and have no desire to.

Part of the fun of any good story is the unexpected. For example, look at any episode of The Twilight Zone as well as Planet of the Apes (which features an ending written by Rod Serling, who wrote the first draft of the script).

Titanic has no twist. In fact, I think the movie was spoiled for me in second grade when we learned about the actual Titanic. Sure, there’s the whole character dynamic, but I even know how that ends. DiCaprio drowns, because that chick wouldn’t scooch over and let him climb up on that floating door or something.

In fairness, Titanic couldn’t have a twist ending, otherwise it would have been spitting in the face of its source material.

I honestly think that the true star of Titanic is the iceberg. Imagine the story without it. I’ve taken the liberties of rewriting the scene right before impact:

Sailor
Captain, we’re headed toward an iceberg.

Captain
Just turn left.

Sailor
Ok, can do.

Captain
Onward! To New York!

The ship arrives safely in New York, and continues to do many more trans-Atlantic voyages before being retired in the 70s.

See? Doesn’t that suck? No iceberg, no story.

People were upset about how long it took Leonardo DiCaprio to win an Oscar, but there’s a giant mass of ice floating around in the North Atlantic Ocean who is even more snake bitten than Ol’ Leo.


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