It's no secret that Hallmark movies are objectively trash. There's nothing particularly interesting about them and any form of "stakes" are as hard to find in them as a lead actress who didn't star in a late-80s/early-90s sitcom. That's why for the past few years I've written treatments for movies I thought would be perfect when it comes to placating the rubes who eat up Hallmark's holiday offerings. Who could forget the heartwarming tale of a woman overcoming her husband's death by autoerotic asphyxiation,  A Conundrum For Christmas ? Or the Christmas/Hannukah mashup we all needed, The Christmas Dreidle ? How could I top those? Well, it won't be easy, but perhaps with this... *** A Very Christmas Christmas By Matt Reigle Warren Christmas (played by me) and Jeanine Christmas (Kate Beckinsale) live on a quiet cul-de-sac in the town of Humbugsville, Maryland. Everyone in Humbugsville hates Christmas, and the townspeople  even banned celebrating b...

Last year, I tried to weasel my way onto the lowest rung of show business aside from freak shows: The Hallmark Channel. I wrote a treatment for what many felt was destined to become a holiday classic, A Conundrum For Christmas . It would've starred Kate Beckinsale and myself, and followed a woman as she tried to enjoy Christmas again after her husband's untimely death by way of autoerotic asphyxiation. Since those people at Hallmark will air anything and their audience will gobble it up, I couldn't believe this wasn't optioned. Quite, frankly, it's a travesty. However, I'm not one to give up that easily. So I decided to try again. Enjoy. *** The Christmas Dreidle By Matt Reigle Sheryl Christmasberg (played by Kate Beckinsale) is the owner of an artisanal soap shop in the small town of Sugar Plum Ranch, Kansas. She lives there with her handsome husband, Jerry Christamsberg (played by me) and their four-year-old daughter, Florence-Anne, who wears glasses. This way...

Hallmark movies seem to be so formulaic that literally anyone could write one. Seeing as I fall into the category of "literally anyone," I decided to write up a treatment. *** A Conundrum For Christmas By Matt Reigle Carol Holly (played by Kate Beckinsale) is a an executive at a high-powered ad agency living in New York City. Christmas is the agency's busiest time of year, and it has caused Carol to lose her Christmas spirit, however her husband, Steve, and her son, Timmy, really like Christmas. Timmy has some sort of ailment (he can't stop hiccuping) and he tells his mom that he finds her lack of Christmas spirit disturbing, but Carol brushes him off and goes to work. At work, Carol's boss tells her that he will need her to work on Christmas, and she agrees because Christmas doesn't mean much to her.  Carol returns home from work and finds her husband dead (it's from auto-erotic asphyxiation, but we keep it implied only. It's a...