Last year, I tried to weasel my way onto the lowest rung of show business aside from freak shows: The Hallmark Channel. I wrote a treatment for what many felt was destined to become a holiday classic, A Conundrum For Christmas . It would've starred Kate Beckinsale and myself, and followed a woman as she tried to enjoy Christmas again after her husband's untimely death by way of autoerotic asphyxiation. Since those people at Hallmark will air anything and their audience will gobble it up, I couldn't believe this wasn't optioned. Quite, frankly, it's a travesty. However, I'm not one to give up that easily. So I decided to try again. Enjoy. *** The Christmas Dreidle By Matt Reigle Sheryl Christmasberg (played by Kate Beckinsale) is the owner of an artisanal soap shop in the small town of Sugar Plum Ranch, Kansas. She lives there with her handsome husband, Jerry Christamsberg (played by me) and their four-year-old daughter, Florence-Anne, who wears glasses. This way...

Every year, I see people trying Thanksgiving knock it down a few pegs. I get it, the pilgrims were not the best house guests, but you'd be in a pissy mood too if you had spent so much time on a boat that didn't even have a buffet or water slides. You can't create such a great holiday without a few black eyes. I'm sure the whole smallpox blanket fiasco was a complete accident. I doubt that someone gave a bunch of blankets to Sarah Goodwife, had her cough up a lung all over them, and then said "here's a good gift for the Wampanoag." These are some of the same people who drowned women because they thought their ability to do math meant they were witches. I question their understanding of infectious diseases and biological warfare. But maybe I'm wrong and they knew precisely what they were doing, in which case, they're complete scumbags. Regardless, Thanksgiving is without a doubt my favorite holiday. It's nothing but food and football. I guess you...

I just moved back to Orlando, Florida and one of the cool things about being down here is that you can find just about everything within about a forty-five-minute drive. Beaches aren't that far away, there's great food, and you can huck a football in any direction and you'll hit some sort of tourist attraction. These to draw in as many tourists to these aptly named tourist attractions, every single piece of intellectual property has been shamelessly used. I thought the final straw was thinking that people would want to go on a Tonight Show motion-simulator ride, but oh, how wrong I was. Just a short football throw away from the Tonight Show ride (I measure distances by how far you can throw a football now) sits an eatery honoring one of morning television's greatest institutions,: NBC's Today Show. While surrounded by Minions, Simpsons characters, and magical British people in the various Harry Potter lands, I'm not sure who is getting all excited about a restau...

Like a lot of people, my routine before going anywhere now includes an additional step. While before I would pat myself down to confirm that I had grabbed my keys, wallet, and phone, I now do a quick feel around inside my pockets to make sure I grabbed my mask. I really never thought we'd get to a point where we all had to walk around masks virtually anytime we leave the house. In all honesty, It kind of scared me the first time I had to wear one in public. It had a very post-apocalyptic, Mad Max- ian vibe and I felt like at any moment someone was going to stab me in the jugular if that's what it took to procure the last industrial size pack of Charmin. However, that was months ago. Since then I've got over the nerves and am unabashedly Team Mask.  The fact that there are people militantly opposed to what is pretty much the least you can do when it comes to preventing the spread of COVID (aside from doing nothing at all) is odd to me. I feel like these people are missing ou...