Last year, I tried to weasel my way onto the lowest rung of show business aside from freak shows: The Hallmark Channel. I wrote a treatment for what many felt was destined to become a holiday classic, A Conundrum For Christmas . It would've starred Kate Beckinsale and myself, and followed a woman as she tried to enjoy Christmas again after her husband's untimely death by way of autoerotic asphyxiation. Since those people at Hallmark will air anything and their audience will gobble it up, I couldn't believe this wasn't optioned. Quite, frankly, it's a travesty. However, I'm not one to give up that easily. So I decided to try again. Enjoy. *** The Christmas Dreidle By Matt Reigle Sheryl Christmasberg (played by Kate Beckinsale) is the owner of an artisanal soap shop in the small town of Sugar Plum Ranch, Kansas. She lives there with her handsome husband, Jerry Christamsberg (played by me) and their four-year-old daughter, Florence-Anne, who wears glasses. This way...

Hallmark movies seem to be so formulaic that literally anyone could write one. Seeing as I fall into the category of "literally anyone," I decided to write up a treatment. *** A Conundrum For Christmas By Matt Reigle Carol Holly (played by Kate Beckinsale) is a an executive at a high-powered ad agency living in New York City. Christmas is the agency's busiest time of year, and it has caused Carol to lose her Christmas spirit, however her husband, Steve, and her son, Timmy, really like Christmas. Timmy has some sort of ailment (he can't stop hiccuping) and he tells his mom that he finds her lack of Christmas spirit disturbing, but Carol brushes him off and goes to work. At work, Carol's boss tells her that he will need her to work on Christmas, and she agrees because Christmas doesn't mean much to her.  Carol returns home from work and finds her husband dead (it's from auto-erotic asphyxiation, but we keep it implied only. It's a...

Dear Mrs. Beckinsale, I heard about the recent end to your relationship with a certain television funny man . I'd prefer to not mention names, as the last thing I'd want from my correspondence is to reopen old wounds. The end of a relationship is always a sad occasion, even for those of us that were privately hoping this would happen the entire time. Still, I wouldn't wish this sort of pain upon my worst enemies... except Keith. That dude sucks. Maybe you can take a vacation back to your homeland, the United Kingdom, to clear your head. Did you know it's an island? I did. I won the Geography Bee when I was in middle-school, so I have a pretty good idea where stuff is. By the way, do you know what an "isthmus" is? I think Panama is one, but I'm not 100% sure. Although I have never visited the many isles of your homeland, I have dined on fish & chips at the EPCOT's UK Pavilion, so I'd say that counts for something. Why do you guy...