About a week and a half ago, I tore off the latest page on my Far Side desk   calendar, revealing a delightful vignette featuring two kangaroo nerds with pouch protectors. After several minutes of side-splitting, Gary Larson-induced laughter,  I realized that the date was December 13, which in this case fell on a Friday. Not one for superstition, I decided to go about my day as I normally would, but not before grabbing a my lucky horseshoe and tapping on the door-frame exactly 4 times. I decided that I would go see a movie. I arrived at the theater and surveyed the posters that lined the lobby. I was struck by one particular poster that really piqued my interest. Knives Out, read the poster. Standing front and center was a familiar face, one that I had seen at least four times previously. "Why that's Daniel Craig," I said to no one. "James Bond himself." I had heard that a new Bond movie was in the works. Maybe they finished it up early

If you're looking to divide the state of Pennsylvania into to two discernible halves, you have to do it by drawing a vertical line straight through the middle of the state, leaving you with Eastern Pennsylvania and Western Pennsylvania. Each half is headlined by a different city, with Philadelphia in east and Pittsburgh to the west. The two cities offer up distinct cultures that often find themselves at odds with each other, turning the rest of the state into a battleground pitting the Eagles against the Steelers, Wawa against Sheetz. But perhaps the most ferocious — and by far the greasiest — is the battle between the Cheesesteak and the Primanti sandwich. I recently saw this argument raging in the comments of an Instagram post, and it always makes me laugh because it really shouldn't be an argument at all. The cheesesteak is superior to the Primanti sandwich by lightyears. Here's a major reason why the cheesesteak is better: I'm not going to bother explain

Back in college I wrote a lot of sketch comedy. Some of it was produced for class projects, for fun, or for the late, great college talk show that was UCF's ToKnight's The Night.  I still have a lot of un-produced sketches that are sitting on my computer collecting dust. I realized that one in particular that always made me laugh would likely never see the light of day unless I posted it here on my blog. Why? Because I thought a timely idea for a sketch that modern audiences would be able to relate to is one about a guy who watches the legendary Abbott & Costello "Who's On First" and just doesn't find it funny. It is legendary, but let's be honest, it makes very little sense. That was the angle of this sketch the one guy in 1938, who understood the bit, but just didn't see why everyone else found it funny. Some will say it's funny, some will say it isn't. Others will say that I'm recycling material that was just sitting ar

Every year, I watch the years tick away and I realize that I am not getting any younger. I thought maybe — just maybe — I could be the person to buck the trend of getting older as time progressed, but alas, this wasn't the case. Getting older is scary. You start to lose your physical and cognitive abilities, and every day tasks become difficult. However, the scariest thing about getting old is the shower. As a youngster myself, I put zero thought into showering. You hop in, you hop out. Boom. You're clean. Half the time, so little thought is expended that without realizing it, I'm suddenly dripping wet and wearing a towel. Once the years roll over to seventies, eighties, and up, the shower becomes your own personal Temple of Doom. You know that things are getting rough when you have to start adding safety equipment to the shower. It starts with metal handles and anti-slip shower mats, but before you know it, you're wearing a harness and a crash helmet.

One thing most of us can probably improve upon is how often we show interest in other people. It's human nature to be a little self-centered, but it makes everyone involved feel a bit better when you show interest in others. The problem is, society tries to keep this from happening by making it rude to ask people about certain things. Maybe the greatest example of this is when you see someone with an eyepatch. I'm talking about legit eyepatches, not those stick on ones that anyone can buy. When you consider that we're living in the 21st-century and most of us aren't pirates anymore; this is not an everyday occurrence. There is absolutely a story behind why an eyepatch has become a part of that person's everyday wardrobe. It's not like one day they woke up and were inexplicably wearing an eyepatch. Who wouldn't be interested in the story behind the eyepatch? However, society has dictated that it's rude to ask about this. Why is that? You'

Hallmark movies seem to be so formulaic that literally anyone could write one. Seeing as I fall into the category of "literally anyone," I decided to write up a treatment. *** A Conundrum For Christmas By Matt Reigle Carol Holly (played by Kate Beckinsale) is a an executive at a high-powered ad agency living in New York City. Christmas is the agency's busiest time of year, and it has caused Carol to lose her Christmas spirit, however her husband, Steve, and her son, Timmy, really like Christmas. Timmy has some sort of ailment (he can't stop hiccuping) and he tells his mom that he finds her lack of Christmas spirit disturbing, but Carol brushes him off and goes to work. At work, Carol's boss tells her that he will need her to work on Christmas, and she agrees because Christmas doesn't mean much to her.  Carol returns home from work and finds her husband dead (it's from auto-erotic asphyxiation, but we keep it implied only. It's a

Toward the tail end of the summer, America found itself in its most turbulent conflict since the Civil War. I am of course talking about the great Chicken Sandwich War of 2019 . The belligerents were Popeye's, the fast-food home of Cajun cuisine; and Chick-Fil-A, the restaurant with staff members so kind that it's a little unsettling. These two combatants feuded for several weeks until Popeye's ran out of bun rations and was forced to call a cease-fire. That's a bad look. Popeye's was going full Leon Lett into the end zone only to realize that in order to dethrone Chick-Fil-A, some sandwich persistence would be necessary. Rome wasn't built in a day, nor was Chick-Fil-A's empire of chicken. *** I'm a Chick-Fil-A guy. That statement will potentially ruffle feathers (Yup, I went there) due to what some deem to be questionable political stances from some of Chick-Fil-A's top-brass . I don't care what side of that equation you fall on,

A lot of people don’t like to think about what would happen if they died. How they’d be remembered, celebrated, or honored. But, for some reason, I’ve thought about this.  So, here is how I envision my funeral. Discalimer: Before I get any messages about my well-being, I’m fine, and this is a goof. Now, let’s all have a laugh together, shall we? *** A solemn crowd waits inside the Wells Fargo Center which has been rented out for the occasion. The occasion in question is my death; brought about by a bizarre gardening accident, not unlike former-Spinal Tap drummer,  John "Stumpy" Pepys.  The authorities said that it's best left unsolved. The solemnness that permeates the crowd is broken by a rumbling from within the bowels of the arena. A quartet of Budweiser Clydesdales pull my casket onstage. The casket is opened… But, it is empty. A hush falls over the crowd.  Who forgot to put Matt’s body in the casket? They had one job, for th

I've spent too much time on this question (honestly, any time is too much), but I think it's important that we arrive at a definitive answer. Who would win in a fight between Bigfoot and The Loch Ness Monster? I can't be alone in wondering this. If it were available on Pay-Per-View, you'd order it in a second without looking at the price (which would probably be astronomical) and invite all your friends. First, we must establish ground rules. I've thought a lot about what sort of venue the fight would have to take place in. Home field advantage is off the table. Everyone knows that Bigfoots can't swim, and Ol' Nessie would be a sitting duck in the mountainous terrain of the Pacific Northwest. It wouldn't be a fun fight if Bigfoot drowned immediately or if The Loch Ness Monster got KO'd because she couldn't drag her giant body over a log. We need a neutral site that would not give an unfair advantage to either combatant. I'm thin

Betrayal hurts, especially when it's someone, or something, you thought was on your side. I had that happen over the weekend, and I'm still reeling. Let's rewind. I started growing a beard the second I could because let's face it, I have a really dumb head. It's big and blocky, with a jawline that isn't so much chiseled out of stone as it is made from Play-Doh, At some point I realized that you could use a beard and the wonders of illusion (h/t Doug Henning) to make people think that you have a regularly shaped human head. This was not an endeavor I would undertake alone. I had a partner on this journey: a beard trimmer. For some reason, one of the best ways to make a beard grow is by trimming it. Think about that for a second.  To make something grow you have to cut it. Weird, right? We should have the scientists take a break from trying to cure cancer or keeping the world from melting to figure that out. My beard trimmer was my pal and helped me

I really can't believe it's taken me this long to write about my favorite family (except mine of course... maybe). I love The Simpsons. Anyone that knows me to pretty much any degree is well aware of this. If there's an anecdote told in my presence, more often than not, it's followed up by me chiming in with, "That's like on this one episode of The Simpsons where..." For Simpsons fans like myself, there is perhaps no better time of year than Halloween, because it means a new addition to the esteemed annals of the "Treehouse of Horror" series. Even better, the old episodes are played ad nauseam throughout the month of October. With this year marking the premier of "Treehouse of Horror XXX ," (coincidentally, it will be episode #666)   it means that there will now be 90 individual "Treehouse" segments. With that in mind, I've decided that I needed to sift through the 30 years of "Treehouse of Horror" t

I'm looking forward to Halloween SZN. The weather cools off, hockey is in full swing, and every channel is playing your favorite horror movies. It's fun, but the prospect of partaking in one of the hallmark Halloween activities still fills me with dread to this day: the walk-through haunted house. Let's rewind to my youth for a second. As a li'l fella, I wasn't a fan of Halloween. You see, I was a very spiritual young man who did not want any part of a satanic/pagan ritual like Halloween, with its roots stretching back to the Gaelic ritual of Samhain... ...just kidding. I was a total pussy who was scared of everything. Being dragged shopping from Labor Day until the calendar flipped to November was an utter nightmare for me. I would circumnavigate an entire store to avoid the Halloween aisle. Plastic skeletons, masks, and pumpkins with maniacal laughs lined those shelves and I wanted no part of it. As I got older, I warmed up to Halloween and now

I understand the necessity of television commercials, but I, like most of the TV viewing public see them as a nuisance. Every now and then, one special ad becomes the show, and when it's over you sit hoping that during the next break you'll be treated to it again. For me, that ad is the Liberator Medical Supply "Catheter" ad. I know, that's a weird choice. There aren't any talking animals, and GEICO isn't involved. (Quick aside: I've never met anyone who has GEICO. I think they exist solely to make commercials.) If you've never seen it, take a look: Let's break down this incredible spot. Immediately, we are pulled into this commercial by a simple question: Personally, I don't use catheters at all, but I'd be lying if this question didn't at least make me stop and think the first time I heard it. Next we're introduced to our hero, Jim: What a cool guy. The shades, the thum

Greta Thunberg is in the news for being a crusader against climate change who delivered a scathing speech to members of the UN . Honestly, I don't know much about her or her cause, but I know that she likes the environment and would prefer that the polar ice caps didn't melt (she's from Sweden, and if my sources are correct, they like cold stuff over there). I tried to read up on her story, but I stopped when I stumbled upon this tidbit:  For about two years, Thunberg challenged her parents to lower the family's  carbon footprint  by becoming  vegan  and  giving up flying , which in part meant her mother had to give up her international career as an opera singer. The second I read this I checked out because I just couldn't relate to any of this. Let's unpack it shall, we? "She challenged her parents to reduce their carbon footprint"  Can you imagine "challenging" your parents to do anything without them promptly telling you to go