Clay, Algae, And Uselessness: Why Chia Pets Suck

Many inventions and fads come and go but somehow one, despite its unparalleled uselessness, has stood the test of time. I am of course referring to perennial TV ad and last minute "Oh shit, I forgot to get him a gift" gift, the Chia Pet.

I can remember seeing those things in stores and on TV my entire life and haven’t known anyone who has ever owned one. I’ve never gone to someone’s house and they were like:

“Here’s the kitchen we just re-did the whole thing, new cabinets and everything. Before that we finished the basement, got a nice, big flat screen down there. And oh yeah, you’ve got to see the Chia Pet, it’s an Elmer Fudd.”

Have you ever wanted to own a clay sculpture of Bugs Bunny’s head? You have? Great! Now, how about a clay sculpture of Bugs Bunny’s head, with an afro made of moss! Everything is better with algae growing on it, ask anyone who has ever owned a pool. They’ll tell you the old pool-owner adage, “Why clean when it’s better green?”

I am of course being facetious. Chia Pets totally blow.

                                 

The day the internet started that should have spelled the end of Chia Pets. The fun part of having a Chia Pet is literally watching grass grow. No one is taking a break from the everything the internet has to offer to go water a piece of pottery.

Honestly, I don’t think anyone would have ever liked a Chia Pet. I mean at any point in human history. Even before we harnessed electricity. You give a kid from the 1700’s a Chia Pet and he would knee you in the groin and ask why you were wasting his time with this hunk of clay and algae while he could be doing that thing that kids did back then where they roll a hoop and then hit it with a stick. (Man, don’t the 1700’s sound terrible? They were probably glad they died in their 30’s.)

Chia Pets are just a less involved version of gardening, which is already an insanely dull hobby. It’s basically farmer fantasy camp. I don’t know why people who garden don’t just go buy the same vegetables at the store. That’s why they sell them. Don’t tell me that it’s the satisfaction of growing things yourself, I don’t buy that. Any satisfaction would be outweighed by the copious amounts of frustration that come with gardening. I would know, I have experience with this. My parents had a garden when I was growing up and it would take like two months of pulling weeds and destroying your back to get one bell pepper and six cherry tomatoes. 

Yippee...

By the way, people talk about eating chia seeds these days, and I’m curious as to whether those are the same chia seeds that go on the Chia Pets. I’d assume that they are, but I also don’t care enough about the answer to google it myself. So if you know, please leave a comment and tell me.

Thanks, pal.