Matt's Guide To Surviving Animal Attacks

I'm not sure if any of you have recently checked your Far Side desk calendar, but we're in to the month of June and that means that it's officially "Going Outside SZN."

And do you know what's outside?

That's right, animals. And many of them would rip you to shreds if given the chance.

Because I'm a nice guy, I'd hate to see you get torn apart by an animal. So, today I want to talk about animal attack survival techniques.
Image result for grizzly bear attack


Most of my bear attack knowledge comes from that movie The Revenant Leonardo DiCaprio gets annihilated by a grizzly bear for several hours.

Here's what I know about surviving a bear attack, and this shouldn't come as much of a suprise: Not much.

But in fairness to me I'm not convinced that anyone actually knows.

I've heard that if you're attacked by a bear you should make yourself appear bigger, but I've also heard you should curl up into a tight little ball.

Which is it? It can't be both. You can't get bigger and also smaller unless you rewrite the laws of space, and the likelihood of you doing that while an angry mother grizzly charges at you are fairly slim.

I'm also not sure if I'm supposed to be quiet around bears or blast a foghorn right in their faces. Every piece of advice when it comes to not being mauled is completely contradicts everything else.

Image result for shark attacking


Sharks are the quintessential attack animal. 

I hear it every year when Shark Week rolls around that sharks aren't mindless killers. Maybe not, but how about we pretend they are in the name of safety.

I'm not entirely convinced that the 15-foot fish with a trash compactor for a mouth is something we should all get comfortable around.

I would much rather live in a state of perpetual fear of sharks. That's how you stay un-bitten while surfers continue to get shredded, bruh, because they were doing an inadvertent seal impression that was just a tad too good.

I've always heard that you're supposed to punch a shark in the nose and poke it in the eye if you're attacked. They apparently hate that.

This seems like a good idea, but I think this is the case for every living thing on the entire planet.

Granted I haven't personally gone around and punched every animal in the nose, but I'm guessing most of them don't care for that. There's no animal that gets punched in the face and then winds up with a boner... except some humans, oddly enough.

And speaking of which...

Image result for man silhouette bathroom

Man (or Woman; it's 2019, folks.)

When I was a weird little kid — years before I morphed into the weird adult you know today — I used to sit on the floor in the family room and watch this show on Animal Planet that would count down the top 10 animals of whatever category.

There was one that was something like "The Top 10 Most Dangerous Animals," and at number 1 they put "Man."

It's probably true. We've become the King Shit of the Turd Kingdom that is the Animal Kingdom, but even as a child it still annoyed me that I sat through an entire hour-long program to get a cop out selection in the #1 spot.

Which is why I included Man (or Woman) in my blog about how to survive dangerous animal attacks. I wanted you to have that same feeling of annoyance that a 7-year-old Matt Reigle had as he watched Animal Planet on his family's three-ton Panasonic tube TV.

As far as how to protect yourself from Man (or Woman) —the most dangerous animal on the planet — the keys are to walk in groups, make yourself appear larger than normal, and if attacked, punch them in the nose or poke out their eyes.

Unless they're into that sort of thing...


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