Let's Come Up With Some New Names

What's something we all have in common?

I'll tell you. We all have names.

Except The Man With No Name... wait a minute; that IS his name. Whoa.

Anyway, We've all got them but we keep using the same ones.

Take mine for example: Matthew. Yeah it's totally bitchin' and suits me pretty well seeing as I'm also totally bitchin', but it's an old name. People forget that it's the name of one of the books in the Bible.

I think it's the one that was written by Paul.

What I'm saying is that even our best names have been around for many years, and we're due for some new names. As an idea man, this is where I come in.

If you'd like to use any of these names for your kids, all I ask is a small naming fee or maybe you could put a little tattoo on the kid that gives me credit for the name.

It doesn't have to be a huge tattoo, but big enough to keep me from getting in touch with a copyright lawyer.

Let's kick the tires on some names.


Here's a fresh baked name.

*Pauses for 11-minute standing ovation.

I came up with this name, unsurprisingly, while eating a sandwich. Oddly enough, it was turkey on rye, but all that matters is that we ultimately made it to the proper destination. The details of the journey don't matter.

This would be a fantastic name for a little girl. You've got a built in nickname, Bri. That's a solid nickname, folks, and when people ask what it is short for they're about to have their goddamn minds blown.


Another name I didn't even have to leave the kitchen for.

This name is unisex, because it's 2019 and if you need a nickname I'm thinking that perhaps you go the "Lee" route.

Parsley Flakes would be a perfect first name last name combo.


I know that there is a negative connotation associated with the word "felony," but I want to let you in on a little bit of a life hack: just take a name that already exists and change the first letter.

Take Melanie, replace the "M" with an "F" and you've got "Felanie."

Honestly, I prefer the "Felony" spelling because it's bound to get people talking.

Good first name last name combo: Felony Warrants


I'm here to keep you on your toes. A name that comes from the female reproductive organs is best suited for... a boy.


I got this idea from a commercial for some sort of medication where they mentioned an "ovarian cyst."

I thought to myself, "That would make a cool name."

Which got me thinking that Ovarian Cyst sounds like he could be a star safety for the Houston Texans.

It's a name that would raise eyebrows for sure, but some attention-craving parent would go for this. It's really just a mater of time.


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