A Very Christmas Christmas: My Annual Hallmark Movie Treatment

It's no secret that Hallmark movies are objectively trash. There's nothing particularly interesting about them and any form of "stakes" are as hard to find in them as a lead actress who didn't star in a late-80s/early-90s sitcom.

That's why for the past few years I've written treatments for movies I thought would be perfect when it comes to placating the rubes who eat up Hallmark's holiday offerings.

Who could forget the heartwarming tale of a woman overcoming her husband's death by autoerotic asphyxiation, A Conundrum For Christmas? Or the Christmas/Hannukah mashup we all needed, The Christmas Dreidle?

How could I top those? Well, it won't be easy, but perhaps with this...

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A Very Christmas Christmas

By Matt Reigle

Warren Christmas (played by me) and Jeanine Christmas (Kate Beckinsale) live on a quiet cul-de-sac in the town of Humbugsville, Maryland. Everyone in Humbugsville hates Christmas, and the townspeople  even banned celebrating by way of a referendum,

That still doesn't deter the Christmases, and they always put up decorations which are promptly torn down by their neighbors. Jeanine also bakes Christmas cookies and offers them to the neighbors, but they frisbee the cookie tin into the gutter and tell her to pound sand.

One night, the Christmases are lamenting the fact that people in Humbugsville hate Christmas, and decide to come up with a way to change their opinions. Warren suggests burning down all of their houses, but Jeanine stops him before he can fill up his gasoline can. She suggests that maybe they just show their neighbors how magical Christmas can be by holding the greatest Christmas ever since the first one, but with substantially less myrrh. Not no myrrh, but less. They celebrate this plan with a lengthy makeout sesh that runs all the way through a commercial break and then lasts for several more minutes.

The Christmases decide that the first order of business is to get a really awesome Christmas tree. They chop one down in the woods on the edge of Humbugsville and put it in their front yard. One nosy neighbor named Phyllis — an old lady that everyone hates — gets suspicious of the tree, but they tell her that it's not supposed to be a Christmas tree, it's just a regular tree. Jeanine feels bad about lying to Phyllis, but Warren says it's okay because they did it in the name of Christmas, and also Phyllis sucks.

Next, they go shopping for presents that they'll give to their neighbors. Warren insists on buying most of them shoehorns. He reasons that everyone wears shoes thus it's a good gift. Jeanine reminds him that one neighbor down the street lost their feet in an accident that involved a bear trap. He argues that even if they don't need it to put on shoes, these are still really great shoehorns that they will cherish. Jeanine tells him that she's heard enough shoehorn talk, and they just buy a bunch of Target gift cards (this is some product placement that will help fund the production of this movie).

Finally, they decide to work on preparing a big Christmas feast that they will invite their neighbors too. Warren returns with a turkey he shot out at the Humbugville forest. Jeanine asks why he wouldn't just buy one at the store, but he tells her that the neighbors would be impressed that he went the extra mile.

That Christmas Eve, under cover of darkness, the Christmases decorate their Christmas tree. They put shimmering lights and ornaments on it. They were going to put popcorn on a string too, but they both decided that doing so would be tedious and a waste of time.

The neighbors wake up on Christmas morning (which to their neighbors is the same as any other morning because, remember, they hate Christmas) and see the tree. They are appalled and threaten to tear it down, but Jeanine gives an impassioned speech about how Christmas is great and that she and Warren want to show them by giving them the best Christmas ever. The neighbors are still mad, but she tells them there will be food, booze, and gifts, so the neighbors agree to hear the Christmases out.

They set up tables in the driveway and have a Christmas feast. Everyone is digging it. The neighbors are really into the stuffing but some are having to pick buckshot out of their turkey. Jeanine shoots Warren an "I told you so glance," and he shrugs good-naturedly. This will make the audience laugh because he is so handsome and likable (remember, I'm Warren).

Jeanine brings out pie and everyone's pretty pumped about that. While they're eating she goes inside and gets the gift cards. She hands them out and all the neighbors are touched, with several remarking how Target is the best place to get high-quality merchandise at unbeatable prices.

It's been so long since any of the neighbors experienced a Christmas that they ask Jeanine and Warren if this is what Christmas is all about it. They tell the neighbors that it's really about Jesus, but the neighbors tell them not to press their luck and that gifts and food were great, but they could do without the preachiness. Warren and Jeanine decided to pick their battles and just let it go.

As the day is winding down and the Christmases and their neighbors are guzzling eggnog and wearing Santa hats, Warren realizes that the old lady, Phyllis is nowhere to be seen. He and Jeanine go knock on her door, figuring they'll extend an olive branch to that hateable old biddy, but she doesn't open the door. They peek in through the window and see that she's laying on the floor dead. 

They call an ambulance and then tell the neighbors. They all agree that having one of their neighbors croak put a bit of a damper on the festivities, but most of them didn't like Phyllis so it wasn't a huge deal. The neighbors get ready to leave and they tell the Christmases that they'll celebrate Christmas with them next year if they cook food and buy gifts for everyone. Warren says that they didn't want this to become an every-year thing because it cost a fortune, but Jeanine says they'd be happy to.

Warren and Jeanine stand next to their Christmas tree and it begins to snow. They say some sappy stuff about how great Christmas is then they makeout through the credits. Then we do a picture-in-picture thing where the next crappy Hallmark movie starts playing, but the Christmases continue making out and don't stop until several minutes into the next movie.

The End