The Christmas Dreidle: A Second Attempt At A Hallmark Movie Treatment

Last year, I tried to weasel my way onto the lowest rung of show business aside from freak shows: The Hallmark Channel.

I wrote a treatment for what many felt was destined to become a holiday classic, A Conundrum For Christmas. It would've starred Kate Beckinsale and myself, and followed a woman as she tried to enjoy Christmas again after her husband's untimely death by way of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Since those people at Hallmark will air anything and their audience will gobble it up, I couldn't believe this wasn't optioned. Quite, frankly, it's a travesty.

However, I'm not one to give up that easily. So I decided to try again.

Enjoy.

***

The Christmas Dreidle

By Matt Reigle

Sheryl Christmasberg (played by Kate Beckinsale) is the owner of an artisanal soap shop in the small town of Sugar Plum Ranch, Kansas. She lives there with her handsome husband, Jerry Christamsberg (played by me) and their four-year-old daughter, Florence-Anne, who wears glasses. This way the audience knows she's wise beyond her years.

(Note: It's always good to begin a scene in the middle of the action, so every scene between Sheryl and Jerry should begin in the midst of a passionate makeout sesh.)

They look forward to Christmas every year because you get off of work and get presents, except this year the soap shop isn't doing well since no one wants to pay $40 dollars for a bar of artisinal soap. They're worried that the money Jerry makes at his job as an ice sculpter won't pay the bills because he can only work a couple months of the year when ice doesn't melt immedietley.

Jerry Christmasberg enjoys Christmas, but he grew up Jewish and misses Hanukkah because it's eight days long instead of one, and that's more. He wishes there was a way to combine Christmas and Hanukkah.

One day while she's working in her soap shop, Sheryl gets a visit from the town sheriff, Bob Humbug. He tells her that he'll close her shop if she doesn't take down her Christmas decorations. She asks why, and Sheriff Humbug says it's because he hates Christmas. Sheryl asks why again and Sheriff Humbug tells her it's none of her business.

Jerry tells Sheryl his idea about combining Christamas and Hanukkah. She tells him that's a brilliant idea and that she's so lucky to have married such a handsome genius like him. She asks what is plan is and he has no idea, but he'll sleep on it and come up with an idea.

The next day, Jerry says he has an idea. He loved lighting the menorah when he was a kid, but also thinks Christmas trees are cool, so he has an idea. Sheryl assumes it's to create a menorah with a eight little trees. Jerry concedes that Sheryl's idea is probably better than his, but it's too late, and he lights their Christmas tree on fire. 

They grab Florence-Anne who was in her room writing a concerto (she's really smart, remember?) and flee. The fire department shows up, and puts out the fire, but Sherriff Humbug arrives too. He asks what happened and they tell him. He gets mad because he hates Christmas (he doesn't have a problem with Hannukah though, just the Christmas part of Jerry's idea) and storms off again. However something falls out of his pocket. It's a newspaper clipping that reads "SHERIFF'S FAMILY ELECTOCUTED IN FREAK CHIRSTMAS LIGHT ACCIDENT, NO SURVIVORS (EXCEPT HIM)." Sheryl is sad, but Jerry says that doesn't make it okay to go around being a douche to people just because Christmas killed his family.

Jerry has another idea. He tells Sheryl his idea is to get eight Christmas trees, and light one each night. She tells him it's a terrible idea, so he moves on to the next idea.

This time he makes a menorah out of ice, and enters it in the town ice carving competition. He wins, but kicks the ice menorah over in anger when he can't light it and it breaks into a million pieces.

Sheryl is at work when Sherriff Humbug comes to shut down her store because she forgot to take down a wreath. He yells at her. She takes it then says she's sorry his family was electrocuted by Christmas lights. His heart grows three sizes (the audience will go "Ooh, like the Grinch," because they're idiots) and now he's okay with Christmas, but he still has to close Sheryl's shop because rules are rules.

Sheryl is sad when she gets home, but Jerry rushes up to her. He has had an idea: a Christmas dreidle. He explains to her that it's just a regular dreidle, but instead of Hebrew symbols on it, it has reindeer and bells and stuff like that. Sheryl loves the idea and the two make out for several minutes.

They think that the Christmas dreidles could help their financial situation and make a couple of them to sell down at the Sugar Plum Ranch Farmer's Market. A little kid comes up to them and buys a Christmas dreidle. He calls it "rad," then tells all of his school chums and they buy them too. Sheryl and Jerry keep making and selling Christmas dreidles. They make so much money they can move out of Sugar Plum Ranch and into a decent town because they always kind of thought that Sugar Plum Ranch sucked to begin with.

They send Florence-Anne to a rich school for genius kids and they buy cool stuff like snowmobiles and pool tables and live happily after ever.

We FADE OUT as Sheryl and Jack makeout on top of one of their new pool tables for several more minutes. 

THE END


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Pool Rules: The Most Ignored Set of Rules On Earth

Smile Dammit!: An Update of Sorts To The Sex-Toy "Scandal"