A Conundrum For Christmas: My Hallmark Movie Treatment

Hallmark movies seem to be so formulaic that literally anyone could write one. Seeing as I fall into the category of "literally anyone," I decided to write up a treatment.

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A Conundrum For Christmas

By Matt Reigle

Carol Holly (played by Kate Beckinsale) is a an executive at a high-powered ad agency living in New York City. Christmas is the agency's busiest time of year, and it has caused Carol to lose her Christmas spirit, however her husband, Steve, and her son, Timmy, really like Christmas.

Timmy has some sort of ailment (he can't stop hiccuping) and he tells his mom that he finds her lack of Christmas spirit disturbing, but Carol brushes him off and goes to work. At work, Carol's boss tells her that he will need her to work on Christmas, and she agrees because Christmas doesn't mean much to her. 

Carol returns home from work and finds her husband dead (it's from auto-erotic asphyxiation, but we keep it implied only. It's a Hallmark movie, folks). 

Carol is understandably upset and decides to quit her job at the agency and move back to her hometown: Christmastown, Rhode Island.

She and Timmy move in with Carol's mom, Debbie, and her dad Carl. Carl is an alcoholic, but only drinks eggnog because that's the best Christmas drink. They ask Carol and Timmy to join them when they go Christmas tree shopping. Carol doesn't want to, because she still kind of thinks that Christmas is for chumps, so she stays at home.

While home by herself, Carol watches Kill Bill, Vol. 2, and it makes her think of Steve, because David Carradine died of auto-erotic asphyxiation. 

(NOTE: I'll be honest about this: I'm not sure that your run of the mill Hallmark audience will be able to make that connection without a bit of handholding. Maybe we have Candace Cameron Bure pause the movie like it's Saved By The Bell or something and explains this connection to all the rubes... I mean our audience.)

Carol leaves the house and joins her family at the Christmas tree store, Keith's Christmas Tree Emporium & Public Notary. When she arrives she sees her parents and Timmy looking at a beautiful Christmas tree with the owner of the store, Keith. 

He's very handsome, so I will play Keith. 

Immediately, Carol falls in love with Keith. She tries to flirt with him, but realizes that he is preoccupied by his one true love: Christmas.

That doesn't stop Carol. The next day, she returns to the Christmas Tree Emporium & Public Notary because she needs Keith to notarize some papers. He does, and when Carol asks him to get drinks he agrees.

They go to the best bar in town which is called St. Nick's. The bartender is a guy named Klaus, who looks exactly like Santa Clause but he says he isn't actually Santa, so he must not be. Carol asks why everyone in the town likes Christmas so much and Keith tells her that it's fun and also you get off from work. She says she still doesn't get it. 

Keith asks Carol why she moved back to Christmastown, and she tells him about Steve's death. Keith is a little put off by how forthcoming Carol is about Steve's death via auto-erotic asphyxiation since it had only happened three days earlier, but he still decides that he wants to help Carol understand the true meaning of Christmas.

He walks Carol into the center of Christmastown toward the town's giant Christmas tree with a big picture of Jesus Christ of Nazareth on it. However they walk right past it and he takes her to Best Buy. 

They don't go into the store, but they look throughout the window and Keith shows Carol all the awesome TVs and video games and she realizes how awesome getting presents is. Carol and Keith kiss and continue to make out for seven and a half minutes straight with no cuts. They then agree to get married

They return to Carol's parent's house to tell Timmy the great news. 

Carol tells Timmy that she now understands the true meaning of Christmas and got Timmy a new dad. Timmy asks if this dad will inadvertently choke himself to death too, and Keith says that he isn't into that, but laughs nervously and his eyes get shifty.

Then suddenly Timmy's hiccups stop. It's a Christmas miracle. However, Carol's dad drinks too much eggnog and knocks over the Christmas tree because Carol's mom said he was too old and too drunk to snowboard down the snow-covered roof for a sweet YouTube video. Everyone is sad because the tree fell over, but they still have their presents, so they wait for Carol's dad to pass out then they open the presents, and live happily ever after.

Carol and Keith proceed to make out for fifteen more minutes, then the credits roll.