A Million Dollar Idea: Warden Matt's Good Time Premium Prison Wine

Every now and then I do a blog about a new business idea I've come up with and sometimes I second guess the thought of sharing it. Why give a million-dollar idea away to you, the unwashed masses, for free? That'd be foolish of me.

But here it is anyway.

A couple years ago I got hooked on the Netflix series Jailbirds and recently saw that a new season of the show will soon be released.

If you're unfamiliar, the show follows the daily lives of those in prison. Simple enough, right? What I remember the most about the first season of the show was that prison inmates have discovered uses for toilets that those of us on the outside could have never dreamed of. I only knew of two uses, but they were using their commodes as a makeshift communication system more reliable than AT&T's network. They also passed notes and even food (gross) through the toilets.

The other thing I remember is how to make prison wine. This is where my new business idea comes from.

You see, in prison, you have to make do with whatever you can get your hands on. There's no hope of finding a nice Bordeaux or Cabernet inside any correctional facilities, but do you know what they do have? Oranges, bread, and water.

These three ingredients just needed to be placed in a Ziploc bag that someone passed to you through the shitter (whatever was in that bag before just adds to the flavor), put the bag under your prison bed, and science does the rest. Voila! A few weeks later you've got prison wine, my friend.

But, Matt, that sounds disgusting.

Yes, it does, but that's because we haven't been to prison... at least I haven't, what you have or haven't done is of no concern to me.

There are nearly two million people in the United States prison system. That's a lot, but some of them will get out eventually, and thanks to their time in the joint they will have developed a palate for prison wine.

They could just make their own, but who has the time to fill a bag with water, an orange, and a slice of bread? Me, that's who.

I submit for your approval "Warden Matt's Good Time Premium Prison Wine," a signature blend of bruised oranges, stale white bread, and double-filtered toilet water, aged and fermented in slightly-used Ziploc bags.

There are millions of people who are nostalgic about prison wine from the three years they spent in prison for punching their mailman. They would be the people making up our target demo.

A bottle of Warden Matt's Good Time Premium Prison Wine would run $12.99. A little high, but we're trying to assert ourselves as the leader in the premium prison wine market.

So, in conclusion, Sharks; I'm asking for an investment of $5 million in exchange for 5% of the company and a free case of Warden Matt's Good Time Premium Prison Wine.

Any takers? Mark Cuban? This seems like something you'd be into. QVC Lady? No? 

Alright then; I will show myself out. Thank you for your time.


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