Netflix's 'Jailbirds' Reaffirmed Something I Already Knew About Myself

I started watching the first few episodes of the new Netflix documentary-series Jailbirds. If you're unfamiliar with it, think of it as "The Real Housewives of Jail."

The show is set in Sacramento, California; a fact that I'm sure thrills the local tourism board. The prison itself looks like the prison planet from the first Guardians of The Galaxy movie.

This shouldn't come as a surprise, but this show solidified my belief that I'm not cut out for the clink (that shouldn't be a surprise since I just referred to it as the "clink").

There are too many rules in prison. I'm not talking about the guards, they're the reasonable one's in this equation, it's actually the inmates that are completely ridiculous. 

The unwritten rules would drive me insane. I would be so sick of worry about being bludgeoned by a Crip because I set my food tray down too loudly.

Speaking of the food; they show the food somewhat frequently in Jailbirds, and it looks absolutely horrendous. I know that jail isn't a Four Seasons (why, it isn't even a Motels 6 or 8) but the food is almost comically bad looking. I think in order to make food look that unappetizing, you'd have to take steps that are specifically intended to make the food look disgusting.

The toilet situation would probably be the thing that would bother me the most. Think how horrific a public restroom can be. Now, imagine that public restroom offers no privacy and allows gangbangers and murderers to just watch you shit. That would be the end of my "Scared Straight" speech.

I did learn from Jailbirds that the toilet is the biggest thing to happen to communication since ship-to-shore radio. The inmates use the toilets to communicate with each other, and not just verbally. They've figured out how to pass physical items thorough the plumbing.

Before you ask why such ingenuity is going to waste in the California correctional system, you should know that use this system to pass food to each other... through the toilets. Prison toilets.

I was amazed what they were able to do with a toilet, although I was disappointed that they didn't make the delightful prison spirit know as "Pruno" in the toilets the way I had always heard it was done. They instead opt for plastic bags. 

I guess that's the line in the sand when it comes to sanitation.

I didn't need a "Scared Straight" speech when I was growing up. Honestly, I could've used the opposite. A "Jesus, Kid. Lighten Up" speech. But, if you or someone you know does need one, sit them down in front of the TV and throw on Jailbirds.

It'll put them back on the straight and narrow and have them lovingly hugging their clean, private toilet.