An Open Letter To Kate Beckinsale

Dear Mrs. Beckinsale,

I heard about the recent end to your relationship with a certain television funny man. I'd prefer to not mention names, as the last thing I'd want from my correspondence is to reopen old wounds.

The end of a relationship is always a sad occasion, even for those of us that were privately hoping this would happen the entire time.

Still, I wouldn't wish this sort of pain upon my worst enemies... except Keith. That dude sucks.

Maybe you can take a vacation back to your homeland, the United Kingdom, to clear your head. Did you know it's an island? I did. I won the Geography Bee when I was in middle-school, so I have a pretty good idea where stuff is.

By the way, do you know what an "isthmus" is? I think Panama is one, but I'm not 100% sure.

Although I have never visited the many isles of your homeland, I have dined on fish & chips at the EPCOT's UK Pavilion, so I'd say that counts for something.

Why do you guys wrap fish & chips in newspaper? I always thought the ink would get all over the food, but it doesn't seem to. We should get some scientists on that.

It's also my understanding that you're a hockey fan as evidenced by this photo:

That's hockey glass in that photo. I should know, I played hockey in high school. Not to be braggadocious, but I was a Central Pennsylvania Interscholastic Hockey League All-Star my senior year. I also lead my team in assists. Not a big deal. *Sniff

It's crazy how much we have in common. We both like hockey, are in touch with English culture... you're in movies, I watch movies. 


Sidenote: I haven't watched The Widow yet, but I have Amazon Prime so I'm not ruling it out. Also, because I have Amazon Prime, I can get stuff shipped to me in two days. So if you need toilet paper or batteries or something I can make that happen. 

Did you get to meet Jeff Bezos when you made The Widow? Was he nice? I can't get a read on that guy, he could be awesome or a tool, there's really no middle ground. He has a lot of money, but it should be noted that I have a much fuller head of hair.

A little more about myself before I wrap up this letter: I'm a Cancer (the zodiac sign, not the disease), I'm just under 6' 4'' in height (by about 6 inches), and I drive a totally bitchin' 2011 Kia Sorrento. 

So, in conclusion...


Sincerely, Your pal,


P.S. Can you introduce me to Conan? I want to give him my writing packet. Thanks.


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