Be Yourself On Super Bowl Sunday... Unless You're One Of These People

I'm not a religious man, so to me, Super Bowl Sunday is a Holy Day. Just like the first day of the NHL season, Iron Maiden concerts, and when FXX does an all day Simpsons marathon.

I love it, because I love America. Football is America's true past-time because we're the only ones on the planet who care about it (Well, us and the Canadians, but 12 players on the field and three downs? WTF?!?!)

That said there are fellow "Americans" out there who want to ruin your good time and harsh your Super Bowl mellow.

Please, for the sake of your country, don't be these people.

Talks Through the Game But Is Quiet For Commercials Guy

No one embodies over-the-top commercialism quite like this guy. In fact, avoid most Super Bowl parties like the plague because of this asshole and his compadres. 

This moron says things like "I can't wait for the Doritos ad" and is excited that GEICO brought back their "classic commercials" (those are the most sarcastic quotation marks I could find). This guy ends up having to ask which team is which, but has encyclopedic knowledge of Budweiser Clydesdales.

This dude talks through the actual game, but becomes a church mouse for commercials and the half-time show. Guy, some of us watched 17 of regular season football plus three weeks of playoffs to get to what is literally the Super Bowl of football. 

There doesn't need to be any discussion of the commercials until after the game, unless you placed an over/under bet on the number of talking animals in commercials this year.

Which, by the way, hammer the over on that one...

"I Didn't Watch The Super Bowl" Guy

This guy goes out of his way to let you know that he couldn't be bothered to watch the Super Bowl.

The irony of this guy is that there isn't anything going on besides the Super Bowl, which means that this guy is sitting alone on his couch watching Big Bang Theory reruns. How is that a better look than not watching the Super Bowl?

I think it's often some sort of intellectual stance but it's a transparently faux-intellectual stance. 

Crushing beers, eating wings, and watching foo-baw is probably the most intellectual activity that man can ever undertake.

Patriots Fans

Trust me, the irony is not lost on me that I started this blog taking about how important football is to America, but here I am having a beef with Patriots.

You guys need to act like you've been to the Super Bowl before because you have. A lot.

This Patriots fans invented a narrative that they're underdogs. They're not, and nobody actually thinks that. Pats fans got so sick of winning that they tried to shake things up and pretend that they aren't any good.

No one counted them out. We all know how things work by now; Belichick uses September as a feeling out period, which sets off a fire storm of hot-takers asking "Is it time to write off the Patriots?", before he and Mr. Brady (Tom, not Mike) power through a perennially weak AFC East and sail into the playoffs, typically with a first round bye, and wind up playing the first weekend in February.

Even when their Pats are actual underdogs in a betting sense, its by a couple of points and because they're on the road at Arrowhead in sub-zero temperatures.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, Patriots fans, your team is good, we all know they're good, start acting like it.

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In conclusion, don't be these guys. 

Also, go Rams.