I tend to be a little behind when it comes to trends. I once mentioned to someone that I had started listening to the band Gorillaz and they responded by telling me that they used to listen to them fifteen years prior. I have numerous stories like that, and I have another one to add to my collection: The debate over plastic vs. paper straws. I was aware of this battle being waged on the internet and I just kind of sat there and politely nodded whenever anyone griped about how plastic is terrible for the environment or how paper straws are for snowflake libs. I was Switzerland in this conflict; completely neutral. That all changed when I was attacked and forced to select a side... *** I went to Starbucks to grab an iced tea. It was a hot day and I like to focus on the small things in life that bring me joy (my therapist told me to start doing that). I waited on my drink and my name was called by the barista. "Unsweetened, black iced tea for Matt." Wow, what ...

Preparing for Hurricane Dorian has been an exercise in extremes. One second we're goofing on it and having a good time, but on a dime, Dorian is back to being a Class III Killstorm  and our lives are flashing before our eyes. Here's how things have been going for me in the days leading up to the storm: Wednesday, August 28 I depart from the metropolis that is Harrisburg via airplane with my sights set on Orlando. The buzz in the airport was of a monstrous storm forming from the depth of the Atlantic. I laughed it off. "I've been through these before, there's nothing to be afraid of," I tell my fellow passengers. "Hurricanes are nothing but air and water. There's just a lot of it, and last time I checked, we need both of those to live." We took flight, I napped, and shot angry glances at the parents of a crying child. Friday, August 30 A tempest this way comes.  Dorian strengthens, fueling off the warm waters of the Caribbean. ...

It's me. I'm the local moron. While all others who live on the somewhat phallic-shaped peninsula known as Florida mull over the possibility of evacuating their homes, I made my way to the Sunshine State as Hurricane Dorian bears down. I've been through some hurricanes, so I'm what you'd call a "grizzled veteran." Hurricanes are pretty easy to get through. You tie things down that can fly away, hope the electricity stays on, and load up on some food. It's like getting ready for a blizzard. In fact, I'd say blizzards are worse. You don't have to shovel a hurricane. Still, I feel like a dunce. I'd even wear a dunce cap if it wouldn't blow off my head in the gale force winds. I think the main reason hurricanes are scary (aside from the wind, rain, and overall terror associated with them) is that we give them names. Personifying the storms makes it seem like every move they make is calculated almost like it has a personal beef ...

If there's one thing that I think the vast majority of people can agree on is that clowns are absolutely terrifying. I know their alleged intention is to bring joy and good times to everyone, but I think they end up frightening more people than they entertain. The second chapter of the latest film adaptation of Stephen King's IT  will soon be released, and that means that clown hysteria will hit us again. (A quick aside. I'm sad to report that they didn't use any of my titles for the new IT film, which are as follows: IT Too IT 2: It Me IT 2: Pennywise goes to Summer Camp It's IT: What Is IT? IT 2: Pennywise Meets the Harlem Globetrotters IT 2, Brute? All of these are gold, Jerry. Their loss.) I don't need anymore clown hysteria in my life. I've been the crying child who was pulled out of parties, circuses, and at least one D.A.R.E. conference because I became frightened by the "entertainment." Which begs the question...

I get bothered by lots of things. It's not exactly a great trait if you're looking to lead a happy existence, but if you need blogging material it rules. There are so many little things that I can't stand, but not all of them can carry an entire blog on their own. Which is where this blog comes in. I had some extra rants laying around in storage and thought maybe I could find them a home. Hot Dogs I bought some hot dogs because I'm a proud American. I even went for some Ball Park franks for an extra splash of Americana.  However when I returned home I noticed that the two seemingly identical packs of wieners varied in length. While the exact sizes of the wieners is neither here nor there, there was still a problem. One pack was labeled "Bun Length," while the other pack had no special label and was shorter. Why is "Bun Length" a specialty dog? Why wouldn't they be engineered to fit the bun properly in the first place? It...

When I was a kid we took a lot of road trips. It's cool to see so much of the country, but the primary reason was that my dad didn't like to fly. So unless we were headed to the Orlando, Florida—we would travel there by train—we were hopping in the Dodge Caravan/Saturn Relay. Everyone has their own road trip habits. You listen to the certain playlists or you stock up on the same snacks. One of my family's habits was that when nature called, we veered off the interstate and into the parking lot of Cracker Barrel. We'd all run into the general store part of Cracker Barrel and make our way to the back where the bathrooms were. We'd do our business, and then peruse the items (read: junk) that they were peddling in the store like weird candy, those little tablets where you can draw mustaches on a cartoon using flakes of metal that were probably collected from the Roswell UFO crash site, and whatever the hell these things are: We would then buy nothing, a...

Matt discusses his interest in radio and talks about some of his radio heroes like Adam Carolla and Opie and Anthony. The show gets closed out with a clip of another one of Matt's radio idols, the incomparable Cal McCalister, interviewing the legendary Paul Lynde.