The Matt Reigle Files Is An Anti-Charcuterie Blog

I know some people may have found the headline of this blog utterly shocking. Charcuterie, for whatever reason, has a lot of fans. 

I am not one of them.

If you don't know what charcuterie is, I envy you. It's a total scam.

You throw some meat and cheese on a board and I'm supposed to be impressed? Well, I will have none of that! I bid you good day, sir!

via GIPHY

I have no problem with any of the ingredients (a term I use loosely in this case) independently. I enjoy some cured meats (I'm from Lebanon, for the love of God. Bologna is what put us on the map, son), and who, aside from the severely lactose intolerant, doesn't enjoy a good cheese?

What I have a problem with is the plank of wood that it's served on.

Call me crazy, but I'd prefer not having to pull splinters out of my mouth because some hipster thought it'd be cool to serve me food on a board that was reclaimed from an old barn,

My theory as to why this phenomenon started in the first place is that some enterprising sawmill owner realized that he had a ton of extra 2x4's laying around, and realized he could sell them all to gullible restaurateurs.

I don't see what's wrong with a plate. They've been around forever and no one has complained about the design once.

They had both wooden boards and plates back in the Middle Ages and even they opted for plates.

The people who thought leeches cured everything and weren't sure where the sun disappeared to at night knew that eating off of a plank of wood was a no-go,

I understand this may seem trivial, but those goddamn boards have crossedover from being the vessel upon which salami is served to becoming the stage off of which I'm expected to eat my club sandwich.

I really was once served a club sandwich on a board and, I hope you're sitting down for this, it was a complete disaster.

So, not only is The Matt Reigle Files firmly anti-charcuterie, it is also a proud, pro-plate blog.