Showing posts from August, 2019

Local Moron Travels Directly Into The Path Of A Major Hurricane

It's me. I'm the local moron. While all others who live on the somewhat phallic-shaped peninsula known as Florida mull over the possibility of evacuating their homes, I made my way to the Sunshine State as Hurricane Dorian bears down. I've been through some hurricanes, so I'm what you'd call a "grizzled veteran." Hurricanes are pretty easy to get through. You tie things down that can fly away, hope the electricity stays on, and load up on some food. It's like getting ready for a blizzard. In fact, I'd say blizzards are worse. You don't have to shovel a hurricane. Still, I feel like a dunce. I'd even wear a dunce cap if it wouldn't blow off my head in the gale force winds. I think the main reason hurricanes are scary (aside from the wind, rain, and overall terror associated with them) is that we give them names. Personifying the storms makes it seem like every move they make is calculated almost like it has a personal beef

Clowns Are Terrible. We All Know It, But I'm Going to Write About It Anyway

If there's one thing that I think the vast majority of people can agree on is that clowns are absolutely terrifying. I know their alleged intention is to bring joy and good times to everyone, but I think they end up frightening more people than they entertain. The second chapter of the latest film adaptation of Stephen King's IT  will soon be released, and that means that clown hysteria will hit us again. (A quick aside. I'm sad to report that they didn't use any of my titles for the new IT film, which are as follows: IT Too IT 2: It Me IT 2: Pennywise goes to Summer Camp It's IT: What Is IT? IT 2: Pennywise Meets the Harlem Globetrotters IT 2, Brute? All of these are gold, Jerry. Their loss.) I don't need anymore clown hysteria in my life. I've been the crying child who was pulled out of parties, circuses, and at least one D.A.R.E. conference because I became frightened by the "entertainment." Which begs the question

Dude, Chill Out: A Pair of Surplus Rants

I get bothered by lots of things. It's not exactly a great trait if you're looking to lead a happy existence, but if you need blogging material it rules. There are so many little things that I can't stand, but not all of them can carry an entire blog on their own. Which is where this blog comes in. I had some extra rants laying around in storage and thought maybe I could find them a home. Hot Dogs I bought some hot dogs because I'm a proud American. I even went for some Ball Park franks for an extra splash of Americana.  However when I returned home I noticed that the two seemingly identical packs of wieners varied in length. While the exact sizes of the wieners is neither here nor there, there was still a problem. One pack was labeled "Bun Length," while the other pack had no special label and was shorter. Why is "Bun Length" a specialty dog? Why wouldn't they be engineered to fit the bun properly in the first place? It