The Matt Reigle Files 100th Blog Clip Show Spectacular

Imagine for a second that you're a show-runner for a sitcom. You need to fill a 22-episode series order, but your Harvard-educated team of writers have only given you 21 usable episode ideas?

What are you to do?

Two words: Clip Show.

I love a clip show. Why come up with any new ideas when you can simply recycle some old ones that you know worked out in the past?

You can come up with a thin plot consisting of interstitials that run between clips, or not. Why? Because Clip Show!

So what better way to celebrate 100 blogs here on The Matt Reigle Files than by revisiting some of the blogs that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you wonder why you were even visiting this blog in the first place.

So, without further ado (as the French say), let's take a stroll down memory lane...

Image result for white windowless van dog

The blog that started it all. I wrote it for a creative writing class, and decided that it was good enough to be posted on the Internet, and they don't let just anyone post stuff there. The first blog started off thusly:
Growing up in the early 2000’s, I saw many stories on the news about kids being abducted. At school, they preached the importance of not talking to strangers. Because of all this. my greatest fear when I was about six or seven years old was being kidnapped. I thought for sure some windowless van would pull up while I was playing outside and some middle-aged creep would ask if I would help him find his lost dog. From what I had been told, that was a kidnapper’s favorite way of stealing a youngster.
Then the turn that let readers know what they were in for when they made a pit-stop in my corner of the internet.
Now, as an adult, I think about what I was taught from a different perspective: all of this don’t talk to strangers propaganda really complicates things when you actually have to find a lost dog.
Like, WHAAAAAA?!?!?!
Image result for da vinci

Da Vinci: An Overrated Genius

In November of the Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Seventeen, I decided that Leonardo Da Vinci had been afforded 500 years of praise and goodwill and I was tired of it. And boy, did I let ol' Leo have it...
Back when he was alive, what it took to be considered a “genius” wasn’t what it is today. If you could paint a nice picture you’d be considered a genius. I’ve seen chimpanzees paint decent pictures, and that was even with a break from the canvas to fling their own feces at someone walking past their cage.
I stand by this. Hell, Michael Jackson's pet chimp, Bubbles could moonwalk. Could Da Vinci moonwalk? Nope.
The Mona Lisa is considered Da Vinci’s masterpiece and one of the greatest paintings of all time. Have you looked at it lately? At best, it’s an okay painting of an ugly woman.
If he really was a genius he would have prettied her up a little bit, and also maybe throw a couple UFOs or a totally bitchin' monster truck in the background to spice things up.


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Amish Conmen: How The Amish Have Been Pulling One Over On Us For More Than A Century

Sometimes in Clip Shows they give a little behind the scenes insight, so I'll do that too.

Now, obviously this was a very tongue-in-cheek bit of satire. However, when unleashed upon the Facebook masses it prompted people to let go of their pent up vitriol toward the Amish, most of it stemming from getting stuck behind horse and buggies. I really didn't expect that at all, but I wasn't concerned about it because I was fairly certain that the odds of any Amish stumbling upon my blog were pretty slim.
I have yet to hear a good reason for not using electricity. I don’t know if they thought that it was just a fad or what. It makes no sense to me. On a whim one Amish guy saw a light bulb and thought, “nope, not for us.”
The last part could be an actual quote. The "could" part makes it so it can't be proven or disproven. That's a little lesson in legalsese for you.
At this point the word “Amish” is a brand and they need to protect it. And the Amish are very protective of their image. Literally. They prefer to not have their picture taken because it steals their soul or something. 
I turned this blog in as an assignment for a creative nonfiction class back in college, and this particular line caused the professor to tell me that I probably should have done a bit more research. She wasn't wrong because "some" would have been more than "none."

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Ex-King of Kong: The Demise of Billy Mitchell

Not all of the blogs can be chock-full of the good-times and jocularity that you've come to expect from The Matt Reigle Files. Sometimes the blog will make you weep uncontrollably in your cubicle while your co-workers covertly alert HR.

Such was the case with the sudden, tragic downfall of Video Game Player of The Century, Billy Mitchell.
I woke up today expecting to go about my everyday routine. Go to class, run some errands, look for some jobs in anticipation of graduating in a few weeks, etc.
But all of that seems unimportant and insignificant in light of today’s news that Video Game Player of the Century, Billy Mitchell has been stripped of his records in both Pac-Man AND Donkey Kong.
Billy was accused of cheating at Donkey Kong. Which as far as cheating goes is serious, but not as serious a college freshman getting paid to wear Nikes. Now THAT'S some serious cheating.

My Hypothetical Flyers Game With Kate Beckinsale

One of my favorite blogs, and one that certainly did not make me look one iota like a delusional ass.

I wondered what it would be like if i had the opportunity, nay, privilege, of taking one of the most beautiful women in the world on a date to the most romantic place in the world:

the Wells Fargo Center.
We arrive in South Philly. I park in a reasonably priced lot and we begin walking to the the Hockey Holy Land that is the Wells Fargo Center. Before leaving the car I throw on my Flyers jersey, as it's bad luck to throw it on prior to arriving.

As we walk through the parking lot, I yell things at Islanders fan. It's a way of showing Kate Beckinsale that I'm an Alpha.

I tell Kate Beckinsale that we are taking a brief detour. I show her the statues of Gary Dornhoefer and Kate Smith outside of Xfinity Live. 

"Her name is Kate like your name," I say.
The statue I'm alluding to is now covered up because Kate Smith wasn't exactly "woke" back in the 1930s. Who would have thunk it?
We get to the third period and it's tied with 2 minutes left.

Things get tense. I look at Kate Beckinsale. Our eyes meet. She leans in for a kiss, and I reciprocate, but then...

... a whistle.

I jump up, cheering. It's a Flyers power play! A PECO POWER PLAY!

I sit back down and Kate Beckinsale leans again.

"This isn't a good time," I say, bowing my head as I pray to the hockey Gods for that little piece of vulcanized rubber to find twine.
Kate Beckinsale would probably find my love of the Flyers charming. That's the way I like to see it.
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And there we have it. My sincerest thanks to everyone who has supported The Matt Reigle Files by reading the blogs and sharing with friends (whether the friends were willing or not).

I've had so much fun writing these blogs, making videos, and podcasting, and I hope all of you have had some fun too.

Here's to the next 100 (but not a single blog more), 🍻

- Matt

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