An Open Letter To Kate Beckinsale

By

Dear Mrs. Beckinsale,

I heard about the recent end to your relationship with a certain television funny man. I'd prefer to not mention names, as the last thing I'd want from my correspondence is to reopen old wounds.

The end of a relationship is always a sad occasion, even for those of us that were privately hoping this would happen the entire time.

Still, I wouldn't wish this sort of pain upon my worst enemies... except Keith. That dude sucks.

Maybe you can take a vacation back to your homeland, the United Kingdom, to clear your head. Did you know it's an island? I did. I won the Geography Bee when I was in middle-school, so I have a pretty good idea where stuff is.

By the way, do you know what an "isthmus" is? I think Panama is one, but I'm not 100% sure.

Although I have never visited the many isles of your homeland, I have dined on fish & chips at the EPCOT's UK Pavilion, so I'd say that counts for something.

Why do you guys wrap fish & chips in newspaper? I always thought the ink would get all over the food, but it doesn't seem to. We should get some scientists on that.

It's also my understanding that you're a hockey fan as evidenced by this photo:


That's hockey glass in that photo. I should know, I played hockey in high school. Not to be braggadocious, but I was a Central Pennsylvania Interscholastic Hockey League All-Star my senior year. I also lead my team in assists. Not a big deal. *Sniff

It's crazy how much we have in common. We both like hockey, are in touch with English culture... you're in movies, I watch movies. 

Crazy.

Sidenote: I haven't watched The Widow yet, but I have Amazon Prime so I'm not ruling it out. Also, because I have Amazon Prime, I can get stuff shipped to me in two days. So if you need toilet paper or batteries or something I can make that happen. 

Did you get to meet Jeff Bezos when you made The Widow? Was he nice? I can't get a read on that guy, he could be awesome or a tool, there's really no middle ground. He has a lot of money, but it should be noted that I have a much fuller head of hair.

A little more about myself before I wrap up this letter: I'm a Cancer (the zodiac sign, not the disease), I'm just under 6' 4'' in height (by about 6 inches), and I drive a totally bitchin' 2011 Kia Sorrento. 

So, in conclusion...

Sup?

Sincerely, Your pal,

Matt

P.S. Can you introduce me to Conan? I want to give him my writing packet. Thanks.










Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Too Many Teens Blowin' Fat Clouds, Bruh: Let's Solve The Teenage Vaping Epidemic

By
Image
The United States Surgeon General has announced that teenagers vaping has become a full on epidemic. First of all, we're using the word "epidemic" a little liberally. Polio was an epidemic. In this humble podcaster's/blogger's/amateur archaeologist's opinion, a bunch of 16-year olds cranking some Mango Juul pods does not an epidemic make. Is it a problem? Sure it is, but we as a society let it get this way because we sounded the alarm that vaping is bad for you. Do you know what makes a teenager who is looking to take any opportunity to rebel against their parents and/or authority figures want to go out and start puffing more steam than Old Faithful? Telling them that vaping is bad. This happens with everything, with booze and cigarettes being prime examples. If something is deemed bad and dangerous, it becomes cool. So let's make it uncool, by having adults tell them it's awesome. I want every parent out there to start taking up vaping. If y...
Read more

I Spent My Weekend Figuring Out Why Jack The Ripper Stopped Killing; How'd you Spend Yours?

By
Image
The identity of Jack The Ripper is one of history's great mysteries. A monster who stalked and viciously killed women in London's Whitechapel district taking six victims in the late 1880s then managed to elude capture. It's a case that will likely remain unsolved entirely, but I think I may have cracked another important aspect of the case: why did he*  stop killing. *(I say he, but there are some pretty compelling arguments into the crimes having been committed by a woman posing as a nurse, The key to that argument is she could have posed as a mid-wife which would have allowed her to walk around Victorian England in bloody clothes without raising suspicion.) Jack The Ripper wrote a series of letters to Scotland Yard in which he taunted authorities. I was reading a book that featured one of the letters — the famous "From Hell" letter, the killer's final letter — when something hit me. Here, read it for yourself: From hell. Mr Lusk, Sor I send you half the Kidn...
Read more