I like knowing how the world works. It makes me feel smart. But at the same time, there are certain things I'm fine with not understanding to the point that they feel magical. It makes an otherwise dull life feel like Narnia. Lasers are one of those things. I understand that they're light but that's where my knowledge runs out. Did you know that "laser" is an acronym? I did. That's why I looked it up in a lazy attempt to better understand how they work. I found that "laser" stan ds for " light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation."  That  doesn't help me at all. Part of my confusion stems from how lasers are utilized. It seems like if you have a problem you can just throw a laser at it then crack a beer and call it a day. Your back hurts? Laser.  Want to see if something is level? Laser. Want to drive your dog insane by putting a dot on the ceiling? Laser. The Big Laser Lobby, has done...

I was watching the Democratic debate last night. *Pauses for applause. It's like any other debate: a couple hours of empty promises and pandering to voters. Which got me thinking about how we're all sick of that type of politics. Its predictable predictability is boring. Why do we need to know all of a candidates stances? I got this idea from the same place that everyone gets their good ideas: daytime television. I was watching Let's Make A Deal. When someone wins a prize, Wayne Brady makes them an offer—a deal, if you will—and the portly school bus driver from Sheboygan has to decided whether she wants to return home with a toaster oven or take what's behind the mystery door. The mystery door could have a Corvette behind it or it could have a colony of rabid possums, but the excitement comes from the unknown. That's why I would become... The Mystery Candidate™ While all of the other candidates are busy word vomiting, I'll stand there all co...

Matt talks about the 10-year anniversary of the King of Pop's death and debuts his new song that is sure to be the next song of the summer, "Conrad Murray."

Let's get this straight right up top: I'm not an anti-vaxxer. In fact, I love vaccines mainly because I don't love tetanus, polio, the mumps, or their ilk. Vaccines are clearly awesome, but every year I still opt against getting a flu shot. Why? I don't have an aversion to needles, I'm not concerned that my unborn future kid will be diagnosed with something because I got shot up with a spent flu virus, and I'm not afraid that the government is trying to control my mind. Plain and simple, I just have a streak going. A non-flu streak so long that I'm basically the Lou Gehrig of not getting sick (In retrospect, I'll concede that I could've picked a better example than that). Plus, I like the gambling element to not getting a flu shot. Isn't half the year a little more exciting knowing that any day you could wake up and spend the next week puking your brains out? What a rush! I'm not worried because my immune system kicks ass. My...

I don't golf all that often, and it's a complete shame. I don't just mean for me, but the sport as a whole. I actually took golf lessons as a kid. I think it was only like a week-long clinic, but it was at a country club so it counts for at least six weeks of regular lessons. I showed promise back then, and I even remember them saying I could be the next John Daly. That's high praise. The legend, John Daly. I took some time away from the sport in which I showed so much promise as a youngster to pursue other interests like hockey, music, and puppetry. However the mistress that is the game of golf always sang her siren song; trying to lure me back to the links. This week, I answered that siren call. Not unlike the sirens in Homer's Odyssey, golf, while enchanting, turned out to be a total bitch. Playing golf is like riding a bike. However, for me, golfing is like riding a bike after you've sustained a head injury that made you forget how to r...

What exciting news to wake up to this morning. Everyone's favorite Heisman Trophy Winner/Actor/Alleged Murderer, Orenthal James Simpson, has officially entered the Twitterverse. Coming Soon!!! pic.twitter.com/R1tXOuuLgO — O.J. Simpson (@TheRealOJ32) June 15, 2019 If you're not excited about this, we have little else in common. O.J. Simpson armed with nothing but a cell phone (which is probably the safest thing for him to be armed with) spouting his thoughts. I understand Mr. Simpson (O.J., not Homer) is a controversial figure due the fact that he tried to steal his own memorabilia, and also allegedly murdered two people. All this shows me is that his decision making abilities are far from excellent, and for the Tweet-reading public, this is what you live for. He even ended his intro video by saying "I got some gettin' even to do." He has already slipped up! On Tweet 1! I'm sure everyone has questions for O.J. and now we all have a line of commu...

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt compelled to check Twitter. I'm not sure why I do this. Hardly anyone is retweeting my fire tweets (which you can find here ) during daylight hours, let alone at 3am when a good chunk of the Western Hemisphere is fast asleep. Sometimes I learn something cool and then peacefully drift back to sleep. Other times, like last evening, I see something so starling that it makes the idea of sleep seem not only impossible, but detrimental to my safety and well-being. It was this tweet and its accompanying video that made me want to dig the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons promotional baseball bat out of my closet just in case I had to protect myself rom this thing: a lady posted this and said she saw this on her home camera this morning. what y’all think this is ? pic.twitter.com/L98wckn6bO — jey bee . 👑 (@jadynbee_) June 7, 2019 I have no idea what the hell that creature is. All I can tell you is that in my half-aslee...

The Women's World Cup is under way, and for the next month I'm all about it. The Stanley Cup Final has a maximum of two games remaining, so I'm looking for that next thing to whet my sports whistle. The World Cup is so great because it's one month every few years where we all put aside our differences and collectively forget about what a wildly corrupt organization FIFA is. As an American, the Women's World Cup is more exciting than the Men's because we not only qualified for this one, we even have a chance to win it! Do you know how mad that has to make all of the soccer crazed countries when we win soccer tournaments? Soccer is so unpopular here in our country, compared to everywhere else in the world that we call it soccer. Why not call it "football" like everyone else?  Because we came up with a better sport and we're going to use the name just to bug everyone else on the planet. Say it with me ladies and gentlemen: U.S.A., U.S....

What's something we all have in common? I'll tell you. We all have names. Except The Man With No Name ... wait a minute; that IS his name. Whoa. Anyway, We've all got them but we keep using the same ones. Take mine for example: Matthew. Yeah it's totally bitchin' and suits me pretty well seeing as I'm also totally bitchin', but it's an old name. People forget that it's the name of one of the books in the Bible. I think it's the one that was written by Paul. What I'm saying is that even our best names have been around for many years, and we're due for some new names. As an idea man, this is where I come in. If you'd like to use any of these names for your kids, all I ask is a small naming fee or maybe you could put a little tattoo on the kid that gives me credit for the name. It doesn't have to be a huge tattoo, but big enough to keep me from getting in touch with a copyright lawyer. Let's kick the tires on...

I'm not sure if any of you have recently checked your  Far Side desk calendar , but we're in to the month of June and that means that it's officially "Going Outside SZN." And do you know what's outside? That's right, animals. And many of them would rip you to shreds if given the chance. Because I'm a nice guy, I'd hate to see you get torn apart by an animal. So, today I want to talk about animal attack survival techniques. Bears Most of my bear attack knowledge comes from that movie The Revenant  Leonardo DiCaprio gets annihilated by a grizzly bear for several hours. Here's what I know about surviving a bear attack, and this shouldn't come as much of a suprise: Not much. But in fairness to me I'm not convinced that anyone actually knows. I've heard that if you're attacked by a bear you should make yourself appear bigger, but I've also heard you should curl up into a tight little ball. Whic...

Imagine for a second that you're on a hike. Where are you hiking? I'm at Jenny Lake in Grand Teton National Park. Now, imagine that you've sustained an injury of some sort. In my imaginary hike, I was impaled by the antlers of a charging bull moose, but to each his own. Imagine laying on the ground in agony then feeling the wave of relief that washes over you as the helicopter appears to lift you to safety... ...only for this to happen: WILD HELICOPTER RESCUE: Firefighters say a 74-year-old woman had to be flown off of Piestewa Peak this morning after she suffered an injury while hiking. STORY: https://t.co/H4HavJnsgn pic.twitter.com/2FPQR0qiZ9 — FOX 10 Phoenix (@FOX10Phoenix) June 4, 2019 That relief would turn to confusion and fear as the world violently spins around you. Then once the spinning subsides, the confusion and fear would morph into rage directed at the helicopter people. This is the part of the story where I let you know that this 74-yea...