Salads Are Killer (Not "Killer" Like Cool, But "Killer" Like Ted Bundy)


I went to the grocery store today, and from what I’ve been seeing I’m lucky to have made it back home in one piece.

I’m not talking about being taken out by a drunk driver en route to grocery store, or finding myself caught in a hail of gunfire as the Crips and Bloods try to work out their differences in the parking lot.

I’m talking about the food itself, more specifically the citizens of the produce department, who are looking to cause all of us harm.

If you wander down the aisles of the produce section at Publix (by the way for my Pennsylvania pals, Publix is a grocery store chain that has somehow become essentially a religion with its tenants consisting of chicken finger subs and sweet tea) you’ll notice heaps of green leafy vegetables. Basically, some kid had to put a bunch of lawn trimmings on a shelf so that you can buy kale and to cram into your juicer and then tell all your friends how much better you are then them because of it. While normally an innocuous sight, in light of recent events I find myself gripping my shopping cart a little harder.

Headlines like these don’t help matters:


Romaine lettuce is the vegetable world’s version of OJ Simpson. For the first part of their careers, they were both lovable and fun to have around. Then on a dime, something happens that makes you say, “Wait, he was capable of THAT?!?!?!?”

Not to get all Alex Jones-y on you, but it’s pretty clear that green, leafy vegetables are trying to kill us and everyone we hold dear. What sort of grudge could arugula be holding against mankind (I’m sorry, people-kind. It’s 2018, my bad)?

I wish I had the answer to that. Right now, all I’m asking for is some salad consistency. Not to brag, but I enjoy myself a nice salad every now and then. Some lettuce, some vegetables, a little crouton action, maybe a splash of balsamic vinaigrette (never ranch. Never. Calorically speaking, you may as well just eat a goddamn TastyKake). I’ve always been told salads are healthy, but here we are, and I find myself living in fear that the very thing that’s supposed to make me better is trying to kill me.

So, for now I suppose you should steer clear of leafy vegetables, specifically romaine lettuce.

That is until the next fruit and/or vegetable decides to go postal on us.


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