Dear Matt: An Unwanted Advice Column

I like reading advice columns. It's not because I get much out of the advice that's given; it's usually terrible.

When people anonymously share their dirty laundry and problems it makes me feel good about myself.

However, I realized that I wanted to take a stab at answering some of these letters from people seeking advice. 

Since no one would have any reason to send those to me, I decided to steal them from other columns.

So, let's take a look at the letter from our first loser – I mean advice seeker.

Dear Passing (if that is your real name): 

Yes, people do still read, just not typically the garbage Buzzfeed articles that you send about 16 things that look like Nicolas Cage.

If you would send them articles that are actually good, then they'd be calling you so much you'd have to disconnect your landline.

You, avidly read (and apparently write to) advice columns, so I assume you still have a landline.

To get your friends' attention, send them hilarious blogs like the time I pretended to go on a date with the lovely Kate Beckinsale or the time I complained about bumper stickers. 

If that doesn't work, then your only option is to get new friends. Don't waste your time hanging out with those have-never has-beens.

You're welcome.

Next letter.

Dear Wondering:

Before we get into your problems, I have a quick gambling anecdote.

One time I lost $50 in about a minute and a half on a Whacky Racers slot machine. It's not a ton of money, but it really hurts to have Muttley laugh at you while you lose some of your college graduation money.

Anywho, this is less about your wife's gambling problem and more about how far your head is inserted into your own ass.

You're out $50,000 and you think it's because she's playing FreeCell? That's solitaire, dude! Who does she lose the money to? Herself?

You'd know that she actually had a gambling issue if suddenly she became irate that the Jaguars couldn't cover a six-point spread at home against the Raiders, or if she celebrates by popping champagne because the Maple Leafs scored an empty-netter and she had the Toronto puckline.

If you really think she lost all of that money gambling, then watch The Simpsons episode "$pringfield: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling." It's the one where Mr. Burns builds a casino and Marge develops a gambling problem. 

Plus, Robert Goulet is in it. Here he is hitting Milhouse with a microphone:

So watch that episode, because it's a classic and because it should help you figure things out on your own.

I'm not here to solve your problems.

...oh, wait.