Matt Reigle: The Mystery Candidate


I was watching the Democratic debate last night.

*Pauses for applause.

It's like any other debate: a couple hours of empty promises and pandering to voters.

Which got me thinking about how we're all sick of that type of politics. Its predictable predictability is boring.

Why do we need to know all of a candidates stances?

I got this idea from the same place that everyone gets their good ideas: daytime television.

I was watching Let's Make A Deal. When someone wins a prize, Wayne Brady makes them an offer—a deal, if you will—and the portly school bus driver from Sheboygan has to decided whether she wants to return home with a toaster oven or take what's behind the mystery door.

The mystery door could have a Corvette behind it or it could have a colony of rabid possums, but the excitement comes from the unknown.

That's why I would become...

The Mystery Candidate™

While all of the other candidates are busy word vomiting, I'll stand there all cool like.

Then the moderator would get to me.

"Senator Reigle," they'll ask (oh, I forgot to mention I'm a senator in this situation) "how do you feel about abortions?"

I'd shrug and lean into the microphone.

"Vote for me and you'll find out."

Voters would find this approach tantalizing. People would discuss with each other which way I'd go on an issue and the mystery would prompt them to vote for me by pulling that lever, touching that touchscreen, or whatever it is Florida does (which I think is paint numbers on piglets and have them race) when Election Day arrives.

Sure, there would be people who would want the comfort of voting for someone whose views they know.

You know what we would call those people?

Nerds.

And no one wants to be called a nerd, and that alone will get them to vote for Senator Matt "The Mystery Candidate™" Reigle.

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