SPOILER ALERT: How Every TV Show About Bigfoot Ends
Turn on the Travel Channel any day, and if there isn’t a
show about BBQ on, there’s a good chance that it’s a show about hunting Bigfoot
or some other unknown animals, also known as cryptids. (Side note: it's time to combine the
two shows into one. People look for Bigfoot, but at the same time smoke a world
class brisket. I’d call it something simple like “Bigfoot BBQ,” then just wait
for the Emmys to start rolling in.)
When I was a kid, I watched hours upon hours of these shows
and to this day I have been known to kick back and watch a show where a bunch
of guys sit on a boat and stare at a lochin hopes that they’ll see Nessie pop her head out of the water ("loch" Scottish speak for lake for those of you not in the know. *Sniff).
I’m not sure what it is I love about these shows because the
second I turn one on I know that they aren’t going to find anything. How do I
know that? Because if they did actually find evidence proving the existence of
Bigfoot, Nessie, the Chupacabra, or whatever the cryptid dú jour is, there’s
not a chance in hell they’d be able to keep that secret through a few months of
post-production so that the news could be unveiled on a Thursday night at ten
somewhere in 200s between Tru TV and WGN America on your cable package.
If they actually found something can you imagine how
monumentally huge that would be? If there were an ape in the mountains of Oregon or some little alien-dog thing cruising around the southwest sucking the
blood out of livestock, it would be front page news! They’d break into the middle
of Monday Night Football to announce it, or at the very least it’d earn itself
a Google Doodle for a day.
I’ll admit as I’ve gotten older I’ve seen my belief that one
day we’ll discover most cryptids diminish. Do I hope it still happens? You’re
goddamn right I do! But, unfortunately, if it hasn’t happened by now, it
probably won’t ever.
I mean, we have robots that can think for themselves and we've been to the moon. There have been countless scientific discoveries and
innovations over the years.
With that in mind, I hate to be a buzzkill, but I kind of find it hard to
believe that in the long history of mankind, no one spent enough time wandering
through the woods to bump into a 7½ foot tall ape and be able to prove it with
anything better than a blurry, out of focus Polaroid.
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