My Treatment For ALF: The Reboot

What’s the first thing you think about in the morning? Do you go through the list of things you have to do that day? Do you think, “man, I really have to take a leak?” Maybe you're like me and the first thing that pops into your head is “I still can’t believe no one has rebooted ALF yet!”

ALF was a sitcom in the late eighties about an alien from the planet Melmac named Alf (which was an acronym for “Alien Life Form”) who lived with a suburban family and was always causing good-natured trouble and trying to eat the family’s cat. It’s the kind of show that seems like a prime target for television network suits to warm over for a new generation of boob tubers.

We live in the golden age of lazy TV and film reboots and remakes. Why come up with anything fresh and new if the public will still throw sacks of money at a new Star Wars or Marvel movie? If a show from the 70s or 80s was remotely popular, then why not make it a screwball buddy comedy?

Nothing is safe. Even The Three Stooges were rebooted a few years ago (although in fairness, it wasn’t quite the blatant sacrilege it could have been).

So, how the hell has ALF remained untouched? I really have no clue, but I’ve taken it upon myself to write up a treatment for an ALF pilot set in the 2020s. 

So, without further ado, I submit for your approval ALF: The Reboot.

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Alf is living by himself New York City in an Upper Westside apartment. Several years earlier, the US government revealed the existence of aliens so ALF could come out of hiding. He did the rounds on talk shows to much acclaim and wound up writing a book about his experiences called An Alien In The Attic that went on to be a best seller.

His book became the basis for a sitcom in which he also starred called ALF, which was in fact the original series (because if there’s one thing TV audiences everywhere love, it’s retconning). The show was a major success, and now Alf must navigate his life as a celebrity while trying to maintain relationships and advance his career.

Alf has an on-again-off-again girlfriend named Wilma (This way he can say, “Hey, Wilma!”, a variation on his famous catchphrase “Hey, Willy!” and the audience will go nuts). He also spends a lot of time with his agent Jerry, who is completely inept and hasn’t booked anything for Alf since ALF, but he won't fire him because they're buddies.

Alf wants to continue acting, but the problem is he keeps getting typecast as an alien, because, well… But he aspires for more. 

One episode would see Alf trying to make it on Broadway (this would guest star Lin-Manuel Miranda because people lose their goddamn minds if that guy does anything). Another episode would see Alf performing a pretentious one-man show about his life. Maybe he'd try stand-up too.

Alf would still have all kinds of trouble assimilating to Earth culture and there would be all of these hilarious situations that would arrive from his social faux pas (I’m aware that this show is starting to sound a lot like Curb Your Enthusiasm but with Alf). He’ll go to a dinner party and eat their cat. In a different episode, he’ll go to another dinner party and clog their toilet because earlier in the night he ate their cat too. There will be lots of dinner parties and cat-eating.

The show will feature lots of great guest stars and celebrities in recurring roles, one of which will be Kate Beckinsale and me as Alf’s neighbor’s who impart advice to him but are also making out constantly.

Ken Jeong will play a doctor because he usually does, Kate Mckinnon will play Alf’s crazy stalker, and Bill Hader will voice Ed, another alien and Alf’s rival who he always competes with for jobs.

This would be a single-camera sitcom, because what was the last good multi-cam sitcom you can even think of? Exactly.

Now that you know the broad strokes of Alf: The Reboot (I’m open to other names like Alf!, The Alf Show, and Alf Your Enthusiasm), I’ll be sitting by my phone waiting for networks and streaming services to call.

I’m sure Netflix, HBO Max, and Hulu will be getting in touch with me soon to set up meetings. I’d even entertain Peacock if they were willing to pay me enough.