Let's Leave Gardening To The Professionals

In the history of mankind, there are some huge milestones, like the invention of the printing press and the time one monkey clubbed another to death with a bone. Also, agriculture was a big deal.

If it weren't for agriculture, I wouldn't be typing this on an Apple computer. That isn't to say we wouldn't have ever gotten computers, there just wouldn't be a company called "Apple" because the only people who would know what an apple is are the ones who found one in the woods.

Growing our own food is key to our survival and keeping our society from collapsing, but please, let's leave it to the professionals because gardening is a dumb hobby.

Anytime I hear someone talk about how they're going to start a vegetable garden I laugh because they have no idea what they're getting themselves into. Their first garden will be their last.

Usually, people start a garden because they think it saves money. Maybe at first it does, because all you need to get started are seeds and dirt. You don't even need nice seeds and dirt. Regular seeds and dirt will do. But what people don't always factor in is the monetary value of their time, energy, and inevitable frustration.

You have to spend hours on your hands and knees ripping weeds out of the ground to prevent them from stealing precious nutrients from your tomatoes. This process goes on for weeks because you have anything that will even remotely resemble the "T" of a "BLT."

Months after you planted your seeds you'll get maybe four tomatoes if you're lucky: one will inevitably bear a striking resemblance to The Elephant Man, so you discard that one. You'll drop another one on the floor and bruise it. you'll eat the last two, but they'll just be okay.

The point is this: If you would have just gone to a grocery store or a farmers market you could have had better tomatoes months ago for only slightly more money than you paid for seeds and dirt, and with far less weed pulling.

Here's how horrible gardening is; what follows is my most positive garden related anecdote, excluding anything that ever happened in a "beer garden": 

When I was a kid, my family had a garden, and one year we decided to plant watermelons which I thought at the time was super badass for some reason. By the way, who doesn't love watermelon? It's a party fruit.

The excitement began when the first little flower on the plant bloomed which meant a tiny watermelon was soon to follow. It started as a little green bulb and eventually, it grew into a full-size melon with a magnificent green marbling to it. 

One night, we decided it was time to feast on our prized melon. Excitedly, I plucked it from the vine and ran it inside where my dad waited with a knife (for the watermelon, not me). We held our breath with anticipation, but where we expected the bright red flesh of a ripe watermelon, we were met with nothing but white inedible rhine the whole way through. Everyone is pissed and I think we smashed it outside. That was the end of gardens in the Reigle household.

My point is that gardens always disappoint.

I've heard some people argue that growing in a herb garden is also a good idea. I'm here to tell you it's not.

When I walk into the grocery store, I give them a dollar and they give me a bushel of cilantro. I only needed it to throw on a few carne asada tacos, but with that one dollar, I've got enough to run a taco truck for a month.

Again, this was immediate and didn't require watering or weeding anything.

Gardening is a complete waste of time, so let the professionals do it and support them by buying what they sell. It might cost you a bit more dough, but it will save you time and frustration.