Clowns Are Terrible. We All Know It, But I'm Going to Write About It Anyway

If there's one thing that I think the vast majority of people can agree on is that clowns are absolutely terrifying.

I know their alleged intention is to bring joy and good times to everyone, but I think they end up frightening more people than they entertain.

The second chapter of the latest film adaptation of Stephen King's IT will soon be released, and that means that clown hysteria will hit us again.

(A quick aside. I'm sad to report that they didn't use any of my titles for the new IT film, which are as follows:

IT Too

IT 2: It Me

IT 2: Pennywise goes to Summer Camp

It's IT: What Is IT?

IT 2: Pennywise Meets the Harlem Globetrotters

IT 2, Brute?

All of these are gold, Jerry. Their loss.)

I don't need anymore clown hysteria in my life. I've been the crying child who was pulled out of parties, circuses, and at least one D.A.R.E. conference because I became frightened by the "entertainment."

Which begs the question: in the year of our Lord 2019, who is hiring clowns as entertainment?

Maybe clowns had their golden-era, but I find it hard to believe that they've ever been funny. 

"Look, he's got a red nose and rainbow hair, that hilarious!" has never been uttered by anyone in recorded history. No one has been in hysterics because a far greater number of clowns emerged from a small car than expected based on the size of the car.

I'm not being a comedy snob either. I didn't say anything about slapstick not being funny. The Three Stooges have put out some of the funniest comedy ever and it's all slapstick.

Clowns are also not to be trusted. One minute you think you're taking a look at the flower on his lapel, and the next thing you know he's power-washing your retinas with seltzer.

I once shook a clown named Cracker's hand, and when the handshake was over I looked at my hand.

"What? Did you expect a buzzer?" Crackers asked.

Yes! That's exactly what I expected! 

Crackers and his ilk are not known for pleasantries. They're known for cleaning your face with a handkerchief they just pulled out of their throat, for tapping you on one shoulder but standing on the other side so you look and no one is there, and for always having an arsenal of banana cream pies that they're always prepared to unleash on an unsuspecting public.

But polite handshakes? No.

Terrorizing a clown-fearing public. Yes.

(P.S. Don't get me started on mimes...)

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*If you or someone you love is struggling with coulrophobia — the fear of clowns — an on line support group can be found here.