Lebanon Daily News: A Northern Lebanon school board member resigned from the board Tuesday in protest of a recent sex toy scandal involving three principals in the school district. (Click here for the full article.) Ah… Lebanon County never disappoints. The broad strokes of this story are as follows: three principals at Northern Lebanon High School were caught passing around a sex toy as a joke. Is this a good look for three people that are supposed to be overseeing the molding of young minds? Nope. Is this hilarious? Abso-goddamn-lutely. Go back to your high school days for a second. If you’re a method actor, maybe rub an empty pizza box on your face to get that acne firing on all cylinders again. Now, think back to your high school principals, who at this point in your life are the physical embodiment of “The Man” and the antithesis of everything your rebellious teenage mind stands for. Now imagine them flinging dildos at each other as a goof. ...

I went to the grocery store today, and from what I’ve been seeing I’m lucky to have made it back home in one piece. I’m not talking about being taken out by a drunk driver en route to grocery store, or finding myself caught in a hail of gunfire as the Crips and Bloods try to work out their differences in the parking lot. I’m talking about the food itself, more specifically the citizens of the produce department, who are looking to cause all of us harm. If you wander down the aisles of the produce section at Publix (by the way for my Pennsylvania pals, Publix is a grocery store chain that has somehow become essentially a religion with its tenants consisting of chicken finger subs and sweet tea) you’ll notice heaps of green leafy vegetables. Basically, some kid had to put a bunch of lawn trimmings on a shelf so that you can buy kale and to cram into your juicer and then tell all your friends how much better you are then them because of it. While normally an innocuous sig...

I woke up today expecting to go about my everyday routine. Go to class, run some errands, look for some jobs in anticipation of graduating in a few weeks, etc. But all of that seems unimportant and insignificant in light of today’s new that Video Game Player of the Century, Billy Mitchell has been stripped of his records in both Pac-Man AND Donkey Kong. Billy is of course one of the main characters in what some (by which I mean me) would call the greatest movie ever made, King of Kong. The film documents the epic rivalry between Billy Mitchell and fellow Donkey Kong savant Steve Wiebe. Some people may say, “they’re just video games” which is true, but have you ever played Donkey Kong? It’s goddamn impossible! I play it in a bar once and could barely make it to the second set of ladders before Jumpman (who we now know as a Mario) got smashed in the face with an Ape-propelled Barrel. If I had to sum up my reaction to the news in one word it would be distraught. To know...