Since It Exists, Here Are Some Ideas For Items That Should Be On The Today Show Cafe Menu

I just moved back to Orlando, Florida and one of the cool things about being down here is that you can find just about everything within about a forty-five-minute drive.

Beaches aren't that far away, there's great food, and you can huck a football in any direction and you'll hit some sort of tourist attraction.

These to draw in as many tourists to these aptly named tourist attractions, every single piece of intellectual property has been shamelessly used. I thought the final straw was thinking that people would want to go on a Tonight Show motion-simulator ride, but oh, how wrong I was.

Just a short football throw away from the Tonight Show ride (I measure distances by how far you can throw a football now) sits an eatery honoring one of morning television's greatest institutions,: NBC's Today Show.

While surrounded by Minions, Simpsons characters, and magical British people in the various Harry Potter lands, I'm not sure who is getting all excited about a restaurant themed around the Today Show. It's not like they're letting you sit at the anchor desk to eat and backwash into Savannah Guthrie's coffee; that I'd be on board with.

Instead, you get a small bistro where the food is themed around the show. 

Again, this is supposed to impress children who just saw a life-size Transformer how?!?!

At this rate, I want a 60 Minutes Steakhouse. All the food is pureed so it can be eaten comfortably with dentures or sans teeth altogether.

But, Since it exists, I thought I'd pitch some menu items that the kind folks at the Today Show Cafe can certainly use (if they're willing to pay):

The Katie Couric Salad

Katie Couric has made some lousy career choices, which is why this is a Caeser salad, except instead of dressing we use mayonnaise. See how good that almost was?

The Willard Scott Sandwich

This sandwich has been sitting under the heat lamp for hours. We think that's baloney on there but no one is completely sure. We will throw some Smuckers on there, and you get a free one on your birthday.

The Roker Challenge

Everything on the menu, plus a piece of Al's special chocolate cake which is served on a pair of dress pants (honoring the time he gallantly shat his pants in the White House).

Kathy-Lee and Hoda Style

Order anything, and then we'll dump wine on it. Isn't that hilarious? Nope? Alright.

The Tom Brokaw Falafel

This is just because I laugh to myself at the thought of Tom Brokaw saying "falafel."

The Matt Lauer Dog

A hot dog that shows up on your tray even though you didn't ask to see it. Covered up by a healthy layer of NBC News cheese sauce. Ask for it Ronan Farrow -tyle and we'll serve it to you on a copy of the New York Times (Mmmmmm, that's good satire).