Conspiracies With Craig: The Story Behind My Tin-Foil Hat... It's To Protect Me From The Government, But Please Still Read This Whole Article (Guest Post)


Editor's Note: Hey, it's Matt. Almost a year ago I was bombarded by messages from this guy who I made the mistake of being nice to named Craig. He wanted me to post this blog that he had written about UFO conspiracies. Begrudgingly, I did it thinking it would shut him up, but apparently he only has a a year-long snooze setting because I heard from him again. Again he asked me to not "censor" his work and present it in it's original condition regardless of any grammatical mistakes or typos. So, here it is...
___________________________________________

Hows it going, this is Craig.

I have decided to emerge from the shadows after I wrote my exposé of the U.S. government's attempts to cover the numerous, very obvious examples of extraterrestrial life.

While I was in hiding I received word from anonymous sources that people want to know why it is that I wear a tin-foil hat. Having to ask that question in the first place means that you in fact do not have a brain with the mental capacity worth protecting.

But I'll tell you anyway.

It all started when I was working in my top-secret command center (which is absolutely no in the basement of my mom's house in Clifton, New Jersey, so DO NOT even bother checkin there) when I heard something bang against the basement window. I went outside to investigate, and found nothing but a dead bird laying next to the window. It was obvious what happened: The government was trying to read my mind and killed the bird because it had seen too much.

Image result for dead bird next to window
Evidence.

Its a sad reality, but such is the world when you have the most sought after mind in the galaxy like I do.

I of course knew of the government's efforts to control minds. Uhhhh, ever heard of MKUltra? Yeah, go google it, that's how I learned about it. I decided that I would need something to protect my valuable Cerebrospinal fluid. I ran upstairs and asked my mom where the foil was grabbed the tin-foil  out of the drawer and formed it around my exceptionally large (i.e. brilliant) cranium.

It has protected me ever since, but that did not stop the government from finding out some of my most coveted information like the real truth behind New Coke and where Jim Morrison is hiding (Boise, Idaho. Who knew? I did).

So thats the story behind my iconic hat. Go get yourself some Reynolds foil (not an ad, it just offers superior protection from gamma radiation and also keeps your microwaved Hot Pockets oh so fresh) and make yourself one.

And as always, never trust the government.



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