Who Would Win?: Bigfoot vs. The Loch Ness Monster

I've spent too much time on this question (honestly, any time is too much), but I think it's important that we arrive at a definitive answer.

Who would win in a fight between Bigfoot and The Loch Ness Monster?

I can't be alone in wondering this. If it were available on Pay-Per-View, you'd order it in a second without looking at the price (which would probably be astronomical) and invite all your friends.

First, we must establish ground rules.

I've thought a lot about what sort of venue the fight would have to take place in. Home field advantage is off the table. Everyone knows that Bigfoots can't swim, and Ol' Nessie would be a sitting duck in the mountainous terrain of the Pacific Northwest.

It wouldn't be a fun fight if Bigfoot drowned immediately or if The Loch Ness Monster got KO'd because she couldn't drag her giant body over a log.

We need a neutral site that would not give an unfair advantage to either combatant. I'm thinking that the fight takes place in a gymnasium of some sort, maybe like a YMCA on an off day.

Now that we have the venue, let's break things down.

Physical Specs

Nessie is weighing in at several tons. That's a big problem for Bigfoot, who will be fighting way out of his weight class.

With such a long neck, Nessie also has a reach advantage. I'm all about reach. That's the one thing I know about boxing, and I typically use it to make all of my boxing decisions (not that I have to make many). However, Nessie has a slow, almost dopey way of moving. That would allow Bigfoot to circumvent Nessie's reach and club her in the head with a tree limb or launch feces at her.

Nessie's razor sharp teeth are be something that Bigfoot would have to contend with, but I'm giving the edge to Bigfoot.

Advantage: Bigfoot


We all know where apes rank. Bigfoot has been known to hit sticks against trees, so I guess that counts for something.

But it's the elusiveness of Nessie that is giving her the edge. We all know where The Loch Ness Monster is supposed to be hiding... in some lake. I forget which one. 

And even though we know where to look, nothing has turned up because The Loch Ness Monster is simply outsmarting a bunch of Scotsmen.

That's not the hardest thing to do, but it's still impressive.

Advantage: Nessie


These are two absolute legends (literally) and no matter what it'd be a close bout. However, it all comes down to who wants it more. I see The Loch Ness Monster as a fighter, a holdover from a bygone era. Whereas all of its contemporaries croaked due to asteroid dust or calling it quits and turning into birds, Nessie has stood the test of time.

Yes, I know the Native Americans told tales of Sasquatch for many years until one day in the 1960s it decided to wander past a couple of cowboys with a Super-8 camera in the mountains of California. That's old, but not prehistoric like Nessie.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog, or in this case, plesiosaurus from the Jurassic period.

Advantage: Nessie

Which means that our winner is...

The Loch Ness Monster


So there you have it, my assessment of what would be not only the fight of this century but also several others. Who do you think would win? Let me know, and then we can spend even more time discussing this ridiculous hypothetical scenario.


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